Post Divorce Blog

Post-Divorce Change Requires Willpower!

2012-01-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

One of the things I hear about a lot is the trouble people have giving up their cherished ways of thinking about their lives and behaving post-divorce: what the future will hold; how holidays should be; what their financial situation wouldda, shouldda, couldda been; how they relate to their ex; how they talk about their marriage, etc. The new insights about willpower can help with making changes. Perhaps you’ve resolved in this new year (it’s still January so I’m still talking about the new year), to change your thinking or ways of relating.

Changing anything is hard. It requires willpower. So here are a few tips from the new book, Willpower, by Baumeister and Tierney, to help with those nagging thoughts.

1. Willpower is like a muscle that can be strengthened. Practice will make it stronger. Decide what you’re going to work on, and then keep at it until it becomes a habit that you no longer have to think about or work at. Practice may not make perfect, but it makes much better. You can change how you think post-divorce.

2. Willpower is like a muscle, so it can get tired. Trying to change too many things at once will tire out that muscle. You’ll wind up wimping out on one or more of them. Using that muscle too much by having too much contact with your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle. Talking too much about your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle. That’s why texting and email are good. They reduce the contact.

3. Willpower draws on our mental reserves which can be depleted in a variety of ways. Making a lot of decisions depletes mental reserves. Other things that deplete our mental reserves include not getting proper sleep and diet. Make sure you replenish depleted reserves as often as you can, and be aware when you’re running on empty. Don’t take on too much when your willpower reserve is depleted. You can accept the future post-divorce, but you don’t want to be reviewing your finances or planning for the future when you’re feeling depleted.

You must find the fine balance between exercising your willpower muscle to strengthen it, but not overworking it. Think about willpower being like any other muscle; you can do strengthening exercises, but do too much and you risk shut down or injury. So exercise smart. Decide what’s important right now and choose just a couple of new year’s resolutions.

New Year’s Day, U2

You Might Prefer Singledom Post-Divorce, If…

2012-01-07T17:25:00.000-05:00

In the new year, I like to come up with some pithy post-divorce tip. Last year I talked about secret destinations post-divorce. Perhaps your secret destination is that you enjoy being single. You might prefer being single post-divorce, if you…

*enjoy your alone time. A lot.

*aren’t all that interested in finding a new partner.

* prefer making your own decisions and handling your own problems.

*enjoy going places on your own.

*don’t mind sleeping alone most of the time.

*like to indulge in your favorite vice alone.

*like to pursue your goals solo.

*don’t have to share your latest fiasco with that special someone.

Or so says Bella DePaulo in Are You Single at Heart? in the Jan/Feb 2012 Psychology Today. If you agree with a lot of these statements, you might be perfectly happy on your own. It’s just a thought.

There are many breakup songs and albums. The closest I could come to a positive break up song: Smile, Lily Allen.

Post-Divorce Holidays…My Way

2011-12-22T17:44:00.000-05:00

As the post-divorce years go on, sometimes we have feelings of guilt, nostalgia or anger we thought were long dormant. It’s like a death; many years later the grief can return full-blown. But it passes. It’s all normal. The key is to make the holidays your own. Do it your way.

It’s good to take stock as the years go on. How are you doing in your new life? Or how would you like to be doing if it’s just beginning? When I look back at the blogs I wrote around the holidays, I notice differences. In 2009 I focused on helping the self (e.g., de-stressing, acceptance). In 2010 it was more about others (e.g., being social, volunteering). You may need to focus on some of these things this year.

It’s clear that of course we need both the self and other focus to move forward. Consider what your goals are for the holiday. Is it “me” time? Is it vacation time? Is it trying-to-enjoy-what-little-time-I-have-off time? Is it family time? Or perhaps it’s a combination of some of those. Once you decide on your goal(s), you can figure out how to meet those goals. Then you can plan some things.

For “me” time, get prepared with the things you need. It may be books, movies, lunches with friends or a new gym membership. Perhaps you’ll plan a volunteer activity, which also works for family time. For vacation it may mean leaving the electronics behind, or limiting them ruthlessly. Ditto that for family time. If you only have a little time off, how can you plan to make the most of that time? What will you do to make the family time fun for everyone?

The choices may be all yours to make. Relish the freedom of making your own decisions and choices. And do make choices. Don’t just let things happen and allow the creeping feelings of loss sadness to take over.

And while you’re at it, think about the coming year. What would you like to accomplish, change or begin? Start thinking about how to make those things happen.

Whatever your focus, do it in your own unique way with your own style. And have fun!

My Way. Frank Sinatra

Patience is Necessary Post-Divorce, Running is Optional

2011-12-03T19:25:00.000-05:00

I don't know if running changed my life or if I changed my life for running, but who cares really? My feet keep moving, my arms keep pumping, and my mantra keeps rolling, 'Be patient. You got this.'

Valerie DiMambro, Runner’s World Challenger

Learn more about Valerie’s challenge (essentially from couch potato to 5K) if you’re interested, but if not, you gotta love the mantra. It’s very post-divorce in that she was post-divorce when she started running. It’s also an interesting parallel; did divorce change your life, or did you change your life because of divorce? Perhaps a little bit of each?

The fact is, the changes are here, and it doesn’t much matter how that happened. What matters is what you do with it. Patience is necessary.

When you first start running, it’s difficult. Like most things worth doing, you have to put in the time, effort and consistency to attain mastery. You have to have a plan. Patience is required.

Even after you’ve been running awhile, sometimes it’s still difficult. You’re having a bad day, you didn’t sleep enough or eat enough the day before, or you ate too much. You’ve got to stick to your plan. Patience keeps you going.

It’s the same with the post-divorce period. You start off and it’s difficult. You come up with a plan. Once you’ve been at it awhile, it gets better, but you can still have a bad day. Perhaps you’re not taking care ofyourself, isolating or working too hard. You’ve got to stick to your plan. Patience gets you through.

So hang in there, and remember, be patient, you got this.

Bad day, Daniel Powter (very cute video)

Find Your Post-Divorce Lifeline

2011-11-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

We’ve all had our personal Titanics, we’ve all had those moments where we really have not shone, and we’ve had to live through and block it out and try to face some kind of future knowing that we missed an opportunity to be bigger and better than we were.

I love that quote from Frances Wilson’s interview. She spoke of her book about J. Bruce Ismay, who owned the Titanic and survived it’s destruction. For many of us, divorce is our personal Titanic. The thing that sinks us to the depths of depression, hopelessness and fear. The thing for which we need, if not a lifeboat, at least a lifeline.

Perhaps it would be more apt to think of the marriage as the Titanic. The thing that threatened to take us down, along with innocent bystanders. And here’s where I think we want to take stock. Wilson asks, How do you pick up a life after that? There’s a difference between surviving and living.

Very true. So what’s your lineline going to be? Lifelines I’ve known include yoga, running, a career, friends, writing, travel, gardening, music, etc. These things broaden us. They change us in positive ways. Think about it. What’s your lifeline? Just pick something, and see. See if it saves you and makes you bigger and better than you were.

Just waiting for an excuse to include WoodenShips, Crosby, Stills & Nash

How to Think Post-Divorce

2011-11-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

How is post-divorce adjustment like adjustment post-brain surgery? Gweneviere Mann has short-term memory loss from complications from brain surgery. Her story is poignant. The thing I loved most was what she said about running the NYC marathon:

"You know, I have spent a lot of days since my injury comparing myself to what I used to be and feeling sad about the things that I've lost," she says. "But doing the marathon really shows me that I still have a lot left in me."

If only we could view ourselves that way post-divorce, after all of our changes and losses, eh?So how about it?

*Think about the things you can still do, not the things you can’t do

*Think about what you’ve got, not what you’ve lost

*Think about what you’re going to do, not what you’re no longer going to do

*Think about 3 things you’re grateful for, not 3 things you’re pissed off about

Most of all, be inspired by Gweneviere’s story. Think about all you have left in you. After all, it’s got to be a lot easier than brain surgery.

For Gweneviere: Guinnevere, Crosby, Stills & Nash

Post-Divorce Itch

2011-10-27T21:57:00.000-04:00

How would you describe an itch, specifically, your post-divorce itch? It may be a combination of pain, anger and hurt, with some other emotions tossed in. Perhaps there’s relief with a dose of guilt. It may have happened a week ago, or maybe 5 years ago. The itch can still be there.

Uncomfortable emotions are like an itch we feel we must scratch. It’s hard to ignore an itch. The irony about an itch is, the more you scratch, the more it itches. What we really want to do is learn to live with the discomfort post-divorce, and learn from it. Like the itch from a bite, the more you let it be, the quicker it heals.

PemaChödrön says, scratching is our habitual way of trying to get away, trying to escape our fundamental discomfort, the fundamental itch of restlessness and insecurity, or that very uneasy feeling: that feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Newness and change often bring that feeling of impending doom and the dread that goes along with it. Again, Pema Chödrön:

By learning to stay, we become very familiar with this place, and gradually, gradually, it loses its threat… abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run [we find] that—guess what?—we don’t die; we don’t collapse. In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.

The best part of change is in the opportunities it presents. Once you are able to life with the discomfort, and you haven’t died or gone crazy, what now? That’s the fun part. How would you like to create the rest of your life?

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

TheScientist, Coldplay

The Post-Divorce Quest: Birdwatching

2011-10-16T14:05:00.000-04:00

If you’re considering a post-divorce hobby, birdwatching may not come immediately to mind. But we’re not talking about just watching birds, we’re talking about having a big year, i.e., a year in which you see more bird species than anybody else. In the world.

As the author, Mark Obmascik, told the interviewer, it was a great escape. “I walk into a woods and my regular life just fades away.” All of which totally makes me want to read his book, The big year, and learn about his quest. Stories of others successfully mastering an experience are so helpful, like How to sleep alone and Eat, pray, love.

When you want to do something new, whether it’s writing a book or starting a new post-divorce life, learning how others were able to do it is a great way to begin your quest. Talking with people who’ve done it, which is basically what support groups are all about, is fantastic. Being a bookworm myself, reading about it is just as good for me. Not surprisingly, when I decided to start a coaching practice post-divorce as one quest, Therapist as life coach was a great book for me. Movies work too.

It’s time to decide on your quest if you haven’t already, and then get some almost-free advice.

Going up the country, Canned Heat

Post-Divorce Celebration

2011-10-13T21:12:00.000-04:00

What’s a celebration without a cake? Along with my ex-wife’s wedding dress and the divorce gift registry, nothing says I don’t love you any more better than a snarky cake. I’m not recommending hate and negativity. But I do recommend, whenever possible, that you try not taking yourself so seriously.

Celebration is an important acknowledgment of a job well done. I’m not saying we want to celebrate divorce. It’s usually difficult and sad. I am saying we can celebrate our new lives regardless of how we got there.

My suggestions for celebrating:

Laughter is a great antidote to anger and depression. Part of wellness is the ability to laugh often, and often laugh at yourself.

Have a post-divorce party. Maybe everyone tells their favorite funny story about you.

Take a vacation with friends and spend one day doing everything your way.

My challenge:

You find something to do in celebration of your new life. And yuk it up.

Don’t pass me by, The Beatles

Flourishing: How to live the good life

2011-10-03T20:29:00.000-04:00

Check out my latest newsletter about flourishing.

It may be easier than you think to live the good life post-divorce. It's a great way to get yourself moving forward.

Start today!

Give Up the Marriage Goal Post-Divorce

2011-09-19T21:03:00.000-04:00

As Heidi Halvorson points out in her book, Succeed.How we can reach our goals, sometimes you have to give up a goal. This is, of course, a central task in the post-divorce period. Giving up the goal of happily ever after, of having a particular life with a particular person, of having holidays in a particular place with this constellation of family members, you have to give those goals up.

Borrowing from some of Halvorson’s ideas about how to think about goals we give up, and what we can do to ease the pain, these are some suggestions for use post-divorce.

Evaluate your effort and persistence. Did you do everything you could? Did you try to go the distance? If you did your best, it’s time to let go and move on.

Let go of self-blame. Success is determined largely by effort. If you put in your all, the marriage didn’t fail because you’re not smart, attractive or clever enough. Try to be honest about what went wrong, but let go of the gratuitous self-criticism and give yourself an “A” for effort.

You left for a reason. People leave relationships because the cost of staying is too high. If the relationship damaged your self-esteem (you were married to a narcissist), caused you to be on an emotional roller coaster (you were married to an addict) or required you to pay some other high price, it’s okay to say “enough.”

Substitute a new goal. It’s not that finding a date or running a marathon (interesting comparison) will actually take the place of the person, hopes and dreams that are gone, but setting a new goal does a long way to helping us let go. That’s why meeting someone new often eases the pain of a lost relationship.

It’s not just the person that’s gone, it’s the hopes and dreams. Part of the work is letting all of that go. There’s always a new goal on the horizon.

The way we were. Barbra Streisand

Feeling Happy Post-Divorce

2011-09-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

When researchers study happiness and well-being, they find that having that daily warm, fuzzy, happy feeling is related to being loved, respected and feeling connected. Of course, we all need food and shelter, the basics, but these things help us think that we’re okay on a day-to-day basis, they don’t necessarily help us feel happy. You can see how this might be relevant post-divorce. Right?

Love, respect and connection? There’s a drastic decline in the connection department. The one person we felt most connected to, or tried to feel most connected to, is gone. At best, some of the respect and love we felt from that person, also gone. At worst, all of the love and respect we felt from them, gone. Often doubt creeps into other relationships. Will this friend stand by me? Is my co-worker questioning my worth now that I’m divorced? How are my kids’ friends’ parents reacting to this? So the broader sense of feeling respected and connected to others may decline as well. Your kids may be upset, so you you’re not feeling as much love there either. Your parents may disapprove, leading again to feeling less loved.

It’s the extra oomph we get from our relationships, that ability to love and be loved, to be respected and have respect for others, and to feel connected to people, that really gives us the happy feeling. You know what you have do to, right? Improve those connections.

* Nurture current relationships – have lunch with someone

*Rekindle fading relationships – call an old friend

* Start new relationships – invite a co-worker to walk with you or go on a date

Even if the marriage isn’t forever, some relationships are, and good relationships matter. Go for it!

Mood music: UncleAlbert, Paul McCartney

Post-Divorce Decisions. A Few Small Steps

2011-08-30T21:43:00.000-04:00

Do you think of will power as being something that gets tired? The research shows that as you make more choices, your brain gets tired. When that happens, your willpower suffers. The result? You can no longer make good choices. If you’re like most people post-divorce, you have a lot of decisions to make. Alone.

The kids and the ex.

*Should I discuss this with my ex?

The kids.

*When should my kids meet him/her?

Me.

*When should I date?

The ex.

*When do I forgive?

The parents.

*How much should I tell them about my finances?

The list goes on and on to include decisions about your boss, co-w0rkers, friends and so on.

Research also shows that you don’t suffer with the same decrement in decision-making and willpower if you don’t let your self-control muscle get too tired. You can do this by taking a few small steps:

*Get enough rest - tired brains don’t make good choices.

*Eat right - undernourished brains don’t make good choices.

*Make routines – the more routines you have, the fewer decisions you have to make.

*Make rules – the more rules you have (e.g., my kid doesn’t meet my date until the 8^th week), the fewer choices you have to make.

* When in doubt, postpone – if you need to think something through (e.g., should I discuss this with my ex) do it when you’re well rested, nourished and feeling on top of things.

The point is that it’s okay to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the decisions you have to make. You can change your mind, you can make mistakes and you will not be perfect. But take a few small steps toward making life easier for yourself and you’ll find the decisions get easier.

Music to decide by, Questions, Jack Johnson

Do Something New Post-Divorce

2011-08-23T20:35:00.000-04:00

What better time to try to master something new than post-divorce? According to Thomas Delong, a Harvard Business School Professor, if we’re not moving forward, we’re regressing. The only way that individuals change is to do something new, which by definition means you’ll do it poorly… Delong believes people can change at any age.

Yippee! We get to do a lot of new things post-divorce. We can buy our first car, remove the wasp nest from the mailbox, help the kids with homework while cooking dinner and cleaning up the dog’s mess, and hire someone to repair the flooding basement, all on our own.

What does Delong mean by do it poorly? I think it’s just an admonition that we’re not going to be great at things that we’ve not done before. So we may not be great at figuring out the post-divorce issues. But that doesn’t mean we cannot achieve mastery.

What does he mean by at any age? Pretty simple, huh? No matter what your age, you can do this, you can make it work, you can make something happen. In other words, you can master something new.

There are many ways to master post-divorce issues. Do something new like:

*eating alone in a restaurant

*going to a movie alone

*taking a vacation alone

*getting along better with your ex-spouse

*spending a weekend with the kids alone

*mastering [your personal post-divorce challenge here]

You can also achieve mastery post-divorce on run-of-the-mill life issues by trying new things like learning something new, setting a new intention or developing your creativity. These all help you feel more competent, confident and happy.

What’s your particular challenge? Try something new to meet that challenge today.

Music to master-the-new by: I’m Movin’ On, Rascal Flatts

Post-Divorce Myths

2011-08-10T22:05:00.000-04:00

There are myths about everything: depression, marriage, divorce. But I couldn’t find many post-divorce myths. So yours truly is going to attempt to right this wrong.

Myths I did find:

Blended families are all like the Brady bunch

Your new partner should love your kids like their own

Step-parents should be equal disciplinarians

Love conquers all problems you and your new mate may experience with the kids

We’ll all get along better now that we’re divorced

My additional myths:

No blended family is like the Brady bunch

Your new partner will not love your kids like their own

Step-parents should not be equal disciplinarians

Love will not conquer all problems you and your new mate may experience with the kids

We will not all get along better now that we’re divorced

My point:

Every family and situation is unique. Of course all blended families are not like the Brady bunch. Hell, most non-blended families are not like the Brady bunch. Some partners will not love your kids anywhere near the way they love their own, but some will. Some of you will get along a whole lot better after the divorce. Why?

In addition to demographics like age of kids, age of parents, financial and employment situations, and the like, there are other things that make a difference. Social support, good stress management strategies, forgiveness, gratitude and a lot of other qualities are going to affect your outcomes. So try to focus on the things you can change, and have the wisdom to know the things you can’t change. Final myth: you will be miserable forever. Truth: divorce won’t kill you, but it will make you stronger.

Myths which are believed in tend to become true. George Orwell

Want to Make Changes Post-Divorce? What’s Your Type?

2011-08-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

This is another of those “borrowed” ideas from running. Specifically, Greg McMillan has a great piece in Running Times (it’ll be on-line soon) about the different types of runners that turn up for the high school season. I’m thinking about how we turn up for the post-divorce period.

Type 1 has pride. I’m divorced and proud of it, you might say. Okay, maybe not proud, but not ashamed either. Type 1 is going to approach post-divorce with the same energy and enthusiasm with which they approach other things in life. This is a problem, and I’m gonna solve it. Type 1s think, plan and make things happen. Good for you if you fit this bill. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re flourishing.

Type 2 is in discovery. I’m divorced, and it seems like I can cope with this thing. Type 2s are going to give it their best shot, even though they’re not exactly relishing the opportunity. Type 2s arrive in college or a job and didn’t realize what a challenge it would be, but they find themselves rising up to it. Type 2s have a lot of enthusiasm, they’re not seasoned fighters and can get hurt or blocked. Type 2s just need a little push and support. If you’re a Type 2, make sure you’re getting the support you need.

Type 3 is dealing with a necessary evil. I’m divorced, it sucks, and I guess I’ll do what I have to, to get through. Type 3s spend a lot of time complaining about their situation and very little time considering concrete plans to improve it. Type 3s say I don’t know, a lot, have no clear goals and little thought that getting through this is going to be mostly up to them. They have the ability, but they don’t know it. If you’re a Type 3, you can do this yourself by trying to do some problem solving, getting the support you need or developing a more optimistic attitude.

Type 4 is participating, but not flourishing. I’m divorced so I guess it’s time to party. Type 4s have the ability and the will to cope as needed, but aren’t giving 110% to making the post-divorce period the best time of their life. The Type 4 isn’t complaining, but is just coasting, having some fun, not planning for the future. Divorce is a major life change (I know, duh) but that means it’s one of those proverbial opportunities to grow and take charge of your life in a big way.

What’s your type? Look at how you’ve approached other new and difficult situations. Your response to divorce will probably be much the same. You can decide if you want to move from your Type 4 to a Type 1, or from your Type 2 to a Type 1. Since it’s not the cross country team, you don’t get to quit. You’ve got to try to get yourself into shape and win this thing.

Who are you? The Who.

Get Better Post-Divorce. Take a Lesson from Team USA

2011-07-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

After a huge blow, everyone is trying to get better post-divorce. The US Women’s Soccer team lost the World Cup in a heartbreaker a few days ago. Talk about a blow. Goalkeeper Hope Solo was asked whether she thought she’d be there for the next World Cup, 4 years from now, she’s 30 after all. Her response was that she wasn’t even in her prime as a goal keeper (34 or so), that today’s game was a fun game for the fans to watch, that she knew it created a tremendous amount of interest in women’s soccer, the Olympics are coming up and that she planned to be at the next world cup.

What I noticed about Solo’s response was that it reflected what I surmise to be her get better goals. Get better goals are those in which you’re trying to get better in some way. In contrast, a be good goal is one in which you are trying to show how good you are. As Heidi Halvorson has said, being good is about success, and getting better is about the journey.

Post-divorce, everyone is trying to recover from the unmet be good goal (i.e., until death do us part). How about some post-divorce get better goals? Borrowing from some of my clients, they have decided to:

*take classes (for the fun and stimulation) and maybe get a masters degree

*join the army to fill life with purpose, serving country and learning skills

*move to the dream city to enjoy what it offers and the closeness of family

*date a lot to have fun and perhaps meet the dream mate

Don’t just lose weight, go to singles bars or meditate. Decide on some get better goals. What would you like to do? What would increase the challenge in your life, make you happier, more fulfilled? Try it and you’ll find you can enjoy the journey.

You’re the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy. Heartbreaker, Pat Benatar

My Post-Divorce Challenge

2011-07-10T18:14:00.000-04:00

One of my July 4^th post-divorce traditions is to run a local 10K. I run it with 59,999 of my closest friends. It’s the biggest 10K in the world. It’s a huge party with music and crowds cheering along the way. It’s fun. And it’s a challenge for me. Although I’ve been running for many years, I just started running in races 7 years ago. I’m not trying to break any records except my own, but starting out in Atlanta’s July heat and facing 6.2 increasingly hot miles is a stretch. When I finish I feel great. They say that finishing a marathon means there’s not a lot you can’t do. Well, I say finishing a 10K means the same thing.

I’m a bit reluctant to juxtapose this experience with the US women’s soccer team winning their game against Brazil today, but humor me. It was an incredible game with heartbreaking calls and a tying goal in, literally, the 122^nd minute of the 2^nd overtime. It was a beautiful display of grit, the combination of perseverance and passion for a goal (no pun intended). Those women were not giving up any time soon and you could see it in their faces.

In fact, finishing most difficult things can leave you with the feeling that you can conquer the world. Challenging yourself is a way to get tough. Challenging yourself makes you more confident. It doesn’t have to be a physical challenge. How about learning to do something you never really thought you could do, like speak French or play the guitar? Persevering and getting it done lead to the end result of increased confidence and toughness. So accept my challenge: pick a challenge for yourself and see it through. It’ll help you get that mental toughness and grit you need for the post-divorce challenges.

You Can’t Always Judge a Book by its Cover, or, Change Your Thinking Post-Divorce

2011-07-03T15:38:00.000-04:00

I recently read about a treatment for anorexia in which the person is taught to be more cognitively flexible, i.e., they’re taught to think about things in less ritualistic and programmed ways and to try new ways of approaching problems and situations. Can you see where I’m going with this post-divorce?

Isn’t the post-divorce situation a classic case of trying to change rituals and rigid ways of thinking that are no longer helpful? In anorexia, the idea is to help the person see foods as they are, instead of simply seeing them for their caloric content. It’s to help them consider that not running 8 miles a day isn’t going to result in a 200 pound weight gain. Post-divorce, the idea is to learn to see people, families and other triggers for negative thinking, for what they are. People who look happy are sometimes happy, and sometimes they’re hiding their true feelings. Families you observe in restaurants are sometimes happy, biological and intact, the story you may tell yourself. They are also sometimes unhappy, not biologically related and not intact. In other words, you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

The treatment for anorexia involves literally using drills to change thinking patterns. I believe that most of us know how to think more rationally and productively, we just get stuck in the post-divorce doldrums. Here’s what I think we can do to rewrite our stories.

Notice your triggers. What are the situations or people that start your cycle of negative self-talk? Is it watching romantic comedies or going to the health club and seeing lots of couples? Okay, so maybe you need some behavior change. You may need to hold off on the romantic comedies for a while. Perhaps you’d rather go to the health club with a friend. Fixes can also be cognitive, that is, dispute your thoughts and change them. At first it feels stilted to say, I’ll have that kind of romance in the future, instead of I’m never going to be in love again. But if you keep doing it, it starts to take hold and you begin to really see the world differently and your story changes.

Consider ways that your thinking or rituals get you into trouble post-divorce. Then consider how you can make changes that will result in more positive emotional reactions. You can actually rewrite the book developing a positive story to go along with situations.

Just to get in the mood: The Story, Brandi Carlile

Tips for Post-Divorce Vacation Blues

2011-06-25T14:27:00.000-04:00

The article I just read about summer depression and seasonal affective disorder triggered my thoughts about special post-divorce summer issues. Specifically, how to handle your kids being gone with your ex. Often summer visits are longer, sometimes as much as two months when geography is an issue. Here are the tips for handling the special challenges:

1. Try optimism. Thinking about longer visits as vacations exudes optimism. It’s a vacation from your kids. Not that you don’t love them to death, but they don’t say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing. If you’re kids are going on an actual vacation, perhaps one for which you done have the time, money or inclination, think about how positive this is for them.

2. Make good use of the opportunity. Everyone has things that pile up. This is an opportunity to get some things done. Whether at home or at work, it’s catch up time. When the vacation is over, you’ll be able to give yourself a huge pat on the back for accomplishing something that’s been looming.

3. HAVE FUN. Even with all caps I cannot emphasize this enough. Whatever fun is for you (and if you can’t remember, this is a great time to figure it out), whether reading novels, renting videos the kids would hate, going zip-lining, having dinner with friends, not cooking, cooking what you’d like to eat…whatever it is, do it. A lot. It’ll counteract the pain of the loss.

4. Refresh and renew. Fun refreshes and renews, but so do other things. What refreshes and renews for you? You probably have more time to get to the gym or your yoga class (that you’re about to sign up for), for a long bath, a solitary walk, a facial or a massage. This is “me” time.

5. Accept. This is how things are going to be. It may be difficult, but acceptance is key to moving forward and flourishing in your new circumstances. Breathe, notice and use your strengths to brighten your days. You can do this, and it gets easier.

And totally dating myself, as usual, for a blast of summer, Summer in the City, Lovin’ Spoonful

Dating and Your Kids: Be Smart

2011-06-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

Of course you’re going to date. Sometime. The question of how to deal with the kids is common. As usual in psychological matters, there are not hard and fast rules. Every family is different. Each relationship has its own challenges.

Be smart and think things through. My suggestions for things to consider:

1. What they need from you is going to be highly specific to your children, their ages, their maturity level, and how much they’re hurting.

2. Consider your emotional resources. New relationships are demanding. Kids come first. After the kids, your job and other people in your life, how much do you have left for new relationships? Plan accordingly.

3. Look for red flags in new relationship. You know, the things that give you that oh no feeling, that trigger concerns, that you try to overlook because you feel needy. With kids it’s especially important to pay attention to listen to your intuition and make decisions about new people accordingly.

4. Everyone knows not to introduce children to new relationships too early. There’s no point in allowing them to get attached when it’s not something you’re sure about. There’s no point to have a revolving door of dates that your children consider as potential step-parents. Of course, there are no guarantees, so you have to take a chance at some point.

5. Be honest. Don’t tell your kids that someone’s just a friend if they’re not. Kids are smart. Like adults, when they’re lied to, they have trouble trusting. This doesn’t mean providing too much information when it’s not asked for. But if asked, be honest and tell the truth.

6. What if your kids reject your new person? This is a highly individual decision as well. Some people will not pursue a relationship if the kids are uncomfortable with it (see the movie Cyrus for an amusing, entertaining and extreme example). You have to decide if your kids are being reasonable (perhaps picking up on one of the red flags you’re ignoring), or if they’re just not ready. And if they’re not ready, then what? You decide. Taking it slower, limiting “family time” with the new person or ending the relationship are all possibilities.

There’s a lot to think about. Being smart, or we might say, intentional, and being honest are my best recommendations. And, of course, having fun is very important!

A Little Post-Divorce Wisdom

2011-06-09T22:33:00.000-04:00

It’s summer. Maybe you have a little more time than usual to reflect. Wisdom is something that comes from quiet reflection and involves “expertise in the conduct and meaning of life.” These are a few things I’ve been picking up on lately from my clients, who are often quite wise.

*No matter how well meaning we are, our ex-spouse may still perceive us as diabolically underhanded and destructive.

* Always take the high road. You won’t regret it.

* When in doubt, whether with your ex-spouse, new “friend,” or suffering children, take five, consider the consequences and carefully plan how to act.

*What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. That is to say, you may think that because your ex-spouse did something, it’s okay for you to do the same. They will not necessarily think so.

*The likelihood that your ex-spouse is going to miraculously change into a better person is slim. And neither will you, unless you work on it.

*If you didn’t communicate well when you were married, you probably won’t communicate well now that you’re divorced. There are notable exceptions to this rule, but you’re probably not one of them (just probabilities).

*You can improve how you relate to people by learning from your mistakes, i.e., your marriage.

*If it’s difficult for you, know that it gets better.

Mighty words of wisdom:

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. Marcel Proust

Summer music: Summertime, Janis Joplin

Post-Divorce Optimism, or, Try to Love Again

2011-06-02T22:19:00.000-04:00

What a gross oversight. No blog entry on post-divorce optimism. Faced with the sometimes devastating but always distressing aftermath of divorce, your optimism will be put to the test. You know, optimism, that ability to see the bright side, to think positively and to have hope. Where has it gone?

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism, suggests a number of steps you can take to counter your pessimism, should it rear its ugly head. The basic idea is to argue with yourself against the negative thinking. There are several steps.

For example, to counter the pessimistic thought, I’ll never meet anyone I can love again:

What’s the evidence? Well, I’ve met people before, and I don’t really have a tough time meeting people. Or maybe I do have a hard time meeting people and this is something I might want to work on. I know several people who’ve divorced and remarried or gotten involved with someone new so there’s nothing keeping the same from happening for me.

What’s an alternative thought process? It may be difficult, but if I really want to meet someone, I know there are steps I can take.

What are the implications of the belief? To hold the belief that I’ll never love again is just going to keep me from moving ahead. If I’m open to the possibility that I might love again, that gives me a direction to move in.

What’s the utility of the belief? The negative belief keeps me stuck and feeling bad. It makes me feel that I’m not lovable. If I believe that I’m lovable then I might be able to meet someone I want to love. Getting rid of the negative belief allows me to try to meet someone, try to be happy single or try to focus on other things in my life right now.

It all goes back to one of the basic premises of cognitive therapies, you can’t always believe what you think. Likewise, in coaching, sometimes you have to find your optimism when it gets lost in the post-divorce miasma. Identify one of your pessimistic thoughts and go through the steps. Asking the tough questions can help you move ahead.

The First Cut is the Deepest. Sheryl Crow

Post-divorce Aphorisms for the Helper and Helpee

2011-05-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

David Loxtercamp has come up with 14 aphorisms for country docs like himself. I liked them all, but it struck me that some of them lent themselves to the post-divorce period.

Risk factors are not disease. You are at risk for spending the rest of your life alone. That does not mean you will spend the rest of your life alone. And, you were always at risk for spending the rest of your life alone; you just didn’t know it.

Aging is not an illness. Divorce is not an illness. It’s like the death of one’s parents, infertility, getting fired from a job, and so forth. Stuff happens. While not an inevitable part of life like aging, it’s pretty close, as the staggering divorce statistics reveal. There’s no pill for it. No surgery. You just have to figure out how to cope and flourish (my concept of the week).

To fix a problem is easy, to sit with another suffering is hard. You suffer post-divorce. What you may need is to sit with that suffering a bit, and to have someone to sit with sometimes. You cannot fix it. It’s a done deal. Feel it, learn from it, and grow as a result.

The most common condition we treat is unhappiness and the greatest obstacle to treating a patient’s unhappiness is our own. Try not to hang out with unhappy people too much. Others in the post-divorce boat may be empathetic, but they may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel any more than you can. Here’s where coaches are great. They bring a lot of optimism to their work.

Nothing is more patient centered than the process of change. Everyone knows what you should do after your divorce, and they’re more than happy to tell you. The process of change, as Loxtercamp suggests, is highly individual. You must be free to go through this your own way. It doesn’t mean you can’t get help, it just means that you know best.

Consider these for your post-divorce recovery, and for those trying to help with someone else’s post-divorce recovery. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My song of the week: Lovely Day. Bill Withers

What Do You Call Your Significant Other Post-Divorce?

2011-05-21T14:35:00.000-04:00

This is not a trick question. What is your once-significant other now? My insignificant other? My formerly significant other? The person once known as my spouse? Okay. What’s in a name, anyway? But I think it speaks to the issue of change.

Invariably, one party is angry. If that’s not the case for you, yippee. There’s always hurt and a feeling of loss. Often there’s confusion. It’s useful to consider the emotions you’re feeling. It’s good to name them and decide how big they are. This helps you decide what you need to do about the feelings. There may be some name-calling among friends, initially. It’s just a way to diffuse some of those feeling. But it has to stop.

The way you think of your former spouse, and I use this term because it’s benign and non-pejorative, affects how you think about yourself. I’ve said before, in my top 5 list, instead of ex, just use a name. It decreases anger and increases control. Your once-significant is a real person, not a monster or an all-powerful being. It doesn’t have to be a name, but it does have to be neutral. This is imperative if you have kids, but also useful if you don’t. Even your adult kids don’t want to hear one parent berating another. It puts them in a tough spot.

Now, about those feelings of hurt and loss, they’re part of the grieving process. Whatever the nature of the relationship, and however good it’s going to turn out to be divorced, there’s loss there. Whether it’s the person you’re missing, their family, friends you lose, things you did together, memories you shared, all of that is very real and it’s painful. You can’t avoid it. You have to feel it, share it, write about it, sing about it, do whatever you do to deal with emotional issues. Oh, you don’t deal with emotional issues? This is a great time to start.

When you can use the term you’ve chosen freely and with comfort, you’re moving forward. Then it’s time to consider where you want to go.

I Call Your Name, The Mammas & The Pappas (I like their version better, so shoot me)

Creative Work-Life Balance

2011-05-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

Find your harmonious, happy equilibrium post-divorce with creative work-life balance.

Check out my new eZine article: Create Work-Life Balance with a Flexible, Intentional Plan

Mother’s Day Daze Post-Divorce

2011-05-07T21:40:00.000-04:00

Mother’s day, being one of those family holidays, presents the usual dilemmas post-divorce. What sort of rituals are you abandoning? If your kids are too young to make you breakfast, what then? And if they’re too young to make breakfast, they’re too young to do all the things the ex-spouse might have done to give you a break on this day. If they’re too old to care about making breakfast (read teenager here), what then? Having to do chores on Mother’s Day can be disappointing. It triggers those poor- poor-pitiful-me feelings. It can put you in a daze.

How do you deal with the hurt around being on your own? Or, how weird is it to have a Mother’s Day without the father, or, also potentially odd, with someone who is not your children’s father? And who buys the gifts and cards for the mother, or step-mother? Hint, hint, dads. And what about paternal grandmothers? They can get short shrift on this day which is normally reserved for mothers of all generations. Then there are daughters who are now mothers themselves. Fathers would like to share in their daughter’s celebration of her own Mother’s Day, but then there’s the ex-wife/mother to contend with. It can get complicated.

Years later it can bring up feelings you thought you were over. So what’s the solution? As usual, you’ve got to figure out new rituals, new strategies and determine that you’re going to enjoy the day even if it is different, or less than perfect. By the way, was it perfect before?

I’ve heard several people talk about getting chores done on Saturday in order to enjoy the day. Some of these people are still married. Recognize that if there’s no one to buy you a gift, you may have to buy yourself one. How bad is that? Can you time-share for grandmothers or other mothers that want time with the kids? Or suggest an additional day for these celebrations? Recognize that it’s all going to change over time.

About that intention to enjoy the day…figure out what you’ll need to make that happen. Do you need someone to watch the kids while you run or take a nap? Do you need to get take-out if you don’t enjoy cooking? Will buying a book or renting a movie make it more fun? How about having friends over? Do whatever it takes. You know best what will make it relaxing, exciting or dazzling, without being in a daze. Finally, in the words of Fran Lebowitz, Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.

There’s no better excuse for a Beatles song than to honor our day.

Though she was born a long, long time ago…

Your Mother Should Know, The Beatles

Life Balance Post-Divorce

2011-05-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

I’ve been writing about work-life balance, something I’ve written about before. It occurred to me that the topic was relevant to post-divorce in a few novel ways.

First, you’re going it alone, where previously you were a couple. It’s not necessarily a problem, but it’s different. I find this a most interesting area. As a couple, you must place some your desires secondary to the well-being of the couple. If you didn’t, perhaps this has something to do with why you’re divorced. If you did, here’s your chance to put you first. I don’t mean to the exclusion of others in your life, but you simply don’t have that other person whose desires get equal weight. I’m very happy when people find it possible to prioritize new or dormant interests as a result of singledom.

Second, you’re juggling new things, things you may not have been concerned with before, like dating or spending more time with friends. This might include, less fun though, more childcare juggling or household responsibility juggling. You can’t make more time, but you can make the time more meaningful with mindful awareness. Engaging, focusing and connecting when engaged in various activities makes each one more meaningful.

Third, you may be doing more stress-management for the obvious reasons, necessitating even more time-management. Managing your stress is important for a variety of reasons including your happiness and that of those around you at work and at home. Planning is key here. You must schedule decompression activities, whatever they may be. Whether it’s walking, reading, puzzling or making music, and the list is endless, you have to include some fun and relaxation in your schedule.

Sometimes it seems overwhelming, but it can be done. Prioritizing, mindful awareness and planning all help reduce the overwhelm.

Into the Gap Post-Divorce

2011-04-20T20:55:00.001-04:00

I mean post-divorce gap in the most positive way. In a recent piece, Jane Pauley talked about an experience gap that kids might like to fill before, or even during their college years. She mentions empty nesters as having a similar opportunity. It inspired my thinking about gap phases of life which I have shamelessly adapted here for the post-divorce gap year. Like empty nesters, new retirees, or those luckily in a position to take a sabbatical, divorce also allows for a gap year.

According to Wikipedia, the gap year, AKA year abroad, year out, year off, deferred year, bridging year, time off and time out ,is typically the year students sometimes take before starting college, though some also take it after college graduation. The time is used for travel, volunteer work, working abroad, exploring new directions and becoming more independent. Perhaps in this economy you don’t have money or time for a break, especially after a divorce. You can still carve out a little time to try something new. These are a few ideas for branching out in your gap year:

-Something missing in your life? I mean, other than your former spouse and former way of life. Always wanted to see India, take a dance class, study sign language? This is your opportunity.

-Back burner items you’ve always planned to do. In marriage we all tend to set some things aside in order to accommodate partners. This is the time to do something. Start training for a marathon, enroll in an MBA program or try out for the new play in the local theater.

-Meeting new people. We all put off nonessential social contacts when we’re in marriages and other committed relationships. Make time for a coffee or lunch with someone new.

-Having fun. Divorce can free up time for fun. Do something purposeful and fun. Find volunteer opportunities, museums, parks, hikes, music in clubs, and other local options you haven’t explored.

The fact is, anytime is a great time to move into the gap, fill it with new experiences and get creative. What’s in the gap for you?

Mood music: TheGap. Thompson Twins

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

Do Yourself a Favor. Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes Post-Divorce

2011-04-17T17:48:00.000-04:00

Therapeutic lifestyle changes are all the things you know you ought to do to feel better about yourself and function better in the world. I can’t think of a better time to adopt some new habits, than the post-divorce period.

Robert Walsh has found that these therapeutic changes include, not surprisingly:

*Regular exercise

*Healthy diet (lot of vegetables, fruit and fish)

*Spending time in nature

*Serving your community

Of course it’s difficult to make these changes, especially when you’re already feeling a little out of sorts. But this is just the time. And now, let me explain why kd lang is relevant. She noted in her interview today and in her song, Sorrow Nevermore, that happiness is a choice.

Sorrow nevermore

Favor to myself

I’ll put you on the shelf forevermore

kd lang

It’s sometimes a difficult choice, but don’t let that stop you. Try one thing on the list and do it regularly. Try more if you can. Favor to yourself.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

Surf’s Up Post-Divorce

2011-04-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

Bethany Hamilton lost her arm to a shark in 2003 while surfing. She had planned for a career surfing, and she did not let it stop her. It’s hard to imagine that she was surfing within a month, while so many of us spend many months or years bemoaning the various trials with which we are faced post-divorce. It’s sobering, yet inspiring. Perhaps learning to surf is in your future.

How can you be a post-divorce survivor and live your dreams?

*Retain your focus and purpose

*Use your social network for support

*Dig deep and tap into your drive to succeed

*Hang out with people that make you laugh

*Keep moving…exercise and be active

*Learn something new every day (surfin?)

"It's exciting just to see how life works out," she says, "and how good can come out of bad situations." Bethany Hamilton (listen to her inspiring interview)

Surfin’ USA, The Beach Boys

Post-Divorce Foes and Fixes

2011-04-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

I’ll admit it. I’ve totally stolen these from Greg Melville’s articleabout common race foes. But let’s face it, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a race, a post-divorce adjustment or a book. The mental game is always the same. Melville identifies four mental foes that get in the way on race day. See how they apply to you.

* Your inner worry wart. You know, the guy that leads you to question everything about your ability to function as a person, a partner and a worthwhile human being. The fix…imagine yourself succeeding at whatever it is. Whether it’s a date, paying the bills or getting rid of the mouse in the basement, visualize yourself doing it and doing it effectively and well.

* Your inner slacker. This guy says there’s no hurry, you’ll figure things out eventually. That’s true, you will figure things out eventually, but why wait? You only have one life, and it’s short. The fix…keep moving and working to get outside your comfort zone. Think big and outside the box. Try new things. Get creative.

* Your inner competitor. This guy causes you to assess your abilities against everyone else’s, whether that’s helpful or not. Often, it’s not so helpful. The fix…in the race of life it’s just you, trying to do your personal best. You can learn from others who are successful, but don’t compare and be sure to enjoy your journey.

* Your inner quitter. This guy really makes you doubt you have the energy or grit to finish. You could cancel that date, pay the bills late and leave the mouse in the basement. The fix…the urge to quit will pass. Keep on with determination and grit. You’ll get a second wind.

Don’t let any foes get in the way of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

Fix You, Coldplay

Be Authentic Post-Divorce

2011-04-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
William Shakespeare

One of the things that people complain about post-divorce is that they’ve lost their sense of self. The self is so often tied up with the partner that there is can be a loss of confidence in one’s own judgment, opinions and beliefs. The compromise you’ve lived with for so long is no longer necessary. It’s all up to you.

It could just be me, but I think that divorce is actually a great opportunity to redefine one’s sense of self. I find authenticity is a useful way to look at where we want to go post-divorce.

Clues to trying to live authentically:

Telling the truth to ourselves and others
Attempting to live a life true to our inner values and beliefs, not to those of others or society
Congruity between our values, attitudes, needs, and our behavior
Congruity between our values, attitudes, needs, and that which we express to others
Thought, words and behavior are all consistent with your true self

Red flags for inauthenticity:

Not saying what you think
Pretending to be something you’re not
Worrying about how you appear to others
Second guessing decisions you make
Inability to take a desired action step

So, if you stop trying to make yourself into more than you are out of fear that you are less than you are, whoever you really are will be a lot lighter and happier, and easier to live with, too. Kabat-Zinn.

Be Yourself, Graham Nash

Use Your Emotional Intelligence Post-Divorce

2011-03-29T08:20:00.000-04:00

Having just written a blog about EI, I started thinking about how to use some of the concepts for the post-divorce adjustment period. EI is all about skills for managing emotions, ours and others’, so it seems appropriate to consider in the turmoil post- divorce. Here are a few ideas.

Be authentic, not phony. What a great time to set the intention of being who you really are. You don’t have to fit into someone else’s fantasy of who they want you to be. Be yourself. And if you’re not sure who you are, find out. Try different things. Experiment. Have fun.

Be centered, not reactive. What calms you down, relaxes you and allows you to take things as they come? Whatever it is, do it. A lot. Use all the mindfulness skills at your disposal to be able to act with awareness, nonjudgmentally. Be kind to yourself.

Be resilient, not fragile. It really is a marathon. You’re not going to sprint through the post-divorce period. Think about what you’d need to do to run a marathon. You’d need a goal, a plan, support, positivity and dedication. Think about all the difficult things you’ve accomplished in your life. This is no time to wimp out. You’re tough. Show it.

Be present, not absent. Being present is about being able to experience things in the moment without getting sidetracked by thoughts, worries or predetermined ideas. Presence is about being confident in your own skin because you’re an important, worthwhile, talented person with lots to offer. Fill the space you enter with everything you are. Make an impression.

Be Here Now, George Harrison

The Four P’s of Happiness Post-Divorce

2011-03-23T16:24:00.001-04:00

I’m really liking Joe Wilner’s 4 P’s of happiness for the post-divorce period.

Pleasure – There is definitely a need for most of us to focus on increasing pleasure post-divorce. With divorce you lose whatever pleasure you had from activities you enjoyed with your spouse. You may have to replace those activities with new ones, engage in those activity alone, or with other people. Engage in a pleasurable activity today.

People – In addition to losing the daily interactions with your spouse, you may also lose their friends and family, often an integral part of your village. It’s important to bring new people into your village, or rekindle relationships with people who’ve drifted away. Call a friend or email someone you’ve lost touch with. Connect with someone today.

Purpose – Making progress toward identifying your purpose in life, why you are on the planet, is something that increases happiness. The post-divorce period is a most important time to reconsider this issue, or consider it for the first time. Bringing more meaning to your life will help ease the difficulties you face post-divorce. Hold a door open for someone, clean a friend’s house, volunteer time with a charity. Do something meaningful today.

Passion – Closely aligned with purpose is finding your passion. Maybe you’ve already found it, and it’s part of your daily life. Great, do more of it. Maybe you’ve put some things on the back burner that you would find fulfilling and exciting. Find your flow baby. Spend some time in an activity that you’re passionate about today.

Practice one P today or participate in a plethora of P’s, but happiness post-divorce is a passion to be purposefully pursued.

Happiness. The Fray

Post-Divorce: Dating vs Marriage?

2011-03-16T21:37:00.001-04:00

A kind dating guru sent me a link to an article about why people choose not to marry, thinking it might interest my readers. The reasons include:

*Wanting freedom, independence, career
*Not wanting compromise, conformity, financial complications and, of course divorce
*They already have it all, are too young, are waiting for their soul mate

Let’s take a look at the post-divorce list.
*All of the above (except make “are too young,” “are too old”)
*Complications with the parenting issues, kids’ reactions and blended families
*Lack of trust in the institution of marriage...” look how it turned out the last time(s)”
*Lack of trust in the institution…perhaps humans are not meant to be in long-term monogamous relationships
*Feeling of “what’s the point?,” particularly if kids are grown

If I’ve left anything out, please comment below.

I’m all about the benefits of relationships and dating for those post-divorce. But I think marriage has to be an individual decision. It certainly does seem to have its downsides. But you have to weigh those against the benefits. And problems in a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, can be addressed.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

33 Variations Post-Divorce

2011-03-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

What I learn[ed] - and it's why I view it as a Zen play - is that if you take the time - which often old age and disease forces you to do - you slow down and take the time - you begin to see things differently. Things that might on the surface look mediocre, but that, in fact, when you pierce them and delve down into them, are beautiful. Jane Fonda,interview

Of course, I’d add that divorce, like old age and disease, forces you to slow down. And similarly, if you to do take the time, you can see things in a different light. It’s like a variation on an old theme. You’re not a different person, but you can become a wiser one.

Wisdom is the knowledge and understanding that enables us arrive at optimal judgments regarding reasoned and just behavior. How can we strive to move toward a wiser stance post-divorce?

To move closer to this ideal, we must try to answer the following questions for ourselves, a good journaling exercise.

How can you find your truth? Consider the rules you would like to live by and the kind of person you would like to be. Consider how you’d like to change things and what you’d like to keep the same.

What do you need to learn and how can you learn what you need to? Reading, talking with wise people, friends and advisors and observing carefully are all ways to become more knowledgeable and increase understanding.

What does it mean to take responsibility? After all the anger, hurt and recriminations, think about what your responsibility was and what you’d like to take responsibility for from here on out.

How do you know what’s appropriate? Carefully observe the way your behavior affects the others around you and how different attitudes affect your own sense of well-being.

As the Beethoven character in the play says: I was able to create music that never would have been possible had I been in the world of the hearing. The thing I feared most had happened, and yet it allowed me to be with my music in the most intimate ways.

33 variations On a Waltz by Diabelli, Beethoven.

Read or hear interview with Fonda.

The Post-Divorce Marathon

2011-03-04T17:42:00.000-05:00

Instead of focusing on all the things I can't control, I am enjoying the moments in front of me. The marathon is going to be an amazing journey and I get the chance to write the ending.

Shalane Flanagan, Marathoner

Call it grit, perseverance or resilience. Post-divorce, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to bounce back from the stress and changes. There are some things that help:

*Chose your goals. It may be running 26 miles, changing jobs, getting out more or learning to play the violin. Whatever your goals, make sure they’re attainable and challenging, and that you can feel passionate about them.

*Balance past, present and future orientation. Learn from the past but don’t dwell on the mile you could have finished faster. Savor your present successes; notice how good they feel and how well you’re doing. Look toward the future, striving to make needed changes and attain goals. Don’t spend too much time anyplace but the present.

*Call in the pacers. Friends and family help us work toward goals and enjoy the present. They can help us find the tools we need to get where we’re going and support us to the finish line. Learn from those who were successful and ask for what you need.

*Dedicate yourself. You don’t finish a marathon by chance. You have to be committed to running through pain and continuing when the ultimate goal just a faint memory. It’s the same post-divorce. Be committed to yourself and your future. Even when it gets tough, keep your eye on the finish line.

I’m not saying you have to run 26 miles. I’m simply suggesting you look toward writing your own happy ending.

The Distance. Cake

Keeping it Happy Post-Divorce

2011-02-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

I like to say, and I truly believe, that every run brings new experiences. You just don't know what they might be until you actually do the run. That's one of my major reasons for pushing out the front door as often as I do—the adventure of it all. Amby Burfoot, Editor at Large, Runner’s World

This quote struck me, since I just blogged about sustaining happiness last night. In that context I also opined that every run is different, even if it’s on the same path. Or perhaps that makes it a different path? The point being it made me think more about the principles for sustaining happiness and I started to wonder how to apply them post-divorce.

You might want to start with believing that you can be happy post-divorce. You have to recognize that it’s something you may have to put effort into, in a way you didn’t have to when you were married. You’ll have to make a commitment to doing whatever it’s going to take to get there. Sometimes you have to push yourself to get going. As I tell people when it comes to dieting, or changing eating habits, this is a lifetime commitment if you want to keep off the weight. It’s the same for happiness activities, especially if you’re in a bit of a rut. Divorce’ll do that to you.

Support from friends or family help us stick to the program, especially if it’s a new program. One my post-divorce goals (meeting goals you set increases happiness) was to take more photos, and my son kindly reminded me when he saw a photo op (generally to take pictures of him). Getting family on board with schedule changes you may have to make is also important. Post-divorce kids, in particular, often like to know the schedule and when they do they can be more supportive.

It’s relatively easy to push yourself to try various happiness activities post-divorce. Sure you can perform a random act of kindness occasionally, give up drinking for 3 days, or pray once a month when you’re feeling particularly down. But try to amp up your happiness efforts with some of these strategies and you’re more likely to keep your happiness level higher. Did I mention you have to think it’s possible? That is, you have to think it’s possible to be happy post-divorce.

The Book: The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky
To get in the mood: Brand New Day, Sting

You are Your Own Worst Enemy Post-Divorce

2011-02-20T18:31:00.000-05:00

In a chapter about negative self-talk, aptly entitled, The Enemy Inside, Susan Pease Gadoua talks about how to change the negative to positive self-talk. Her book, Stronger Day by Day, Reflections for Healing & Rebuilding after Divorce, provides loads of short chapters that address many of the vagaries of divorce.

Gadoua gives us a description of the problem, and then how to fix it. For example, in the enemy inside, she points out that that negative thinking in the form of regrets may be accurate, but dwelling in that house of pain serves no one. Each chapter has some combination of affirmation, journaling suggestion and meditation. The affirmation is: I will have only constructive thoughts about my marriage and myself. I know, I know. Good luck with that, right? But think of it as aspirational. The journaling suggestion is to write about what you will commit to do differently in the future. In the Planting Seeds chapter about the future, the meditation suggestion is to spend some time envisioning how your new life will feel.

I firmly believe that we each go through the post-divorce period in our own unique way and on our own schedule. I like the idea of having a book that brings together lots of different suggestions and addresses lots of issues so that you can pick and choose what you need at any given time. If you don’t know what you need at any given moment, you just read a chapter and see if you can use it. The book is all about doing, which is a really useful way to become your own best friend.

Just for grins: Me, Myself and I, Beyonce

Eternal Sunshine of the Post-Divorced Mind

2011-02-15T09:32:00.000-05:00

How about a machine that erases all memory of a former lover? The plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I loved but many didn’t, is about just that. It was brought to mind last night by a Radiolab show discussing erasing the memories of rats. Seriously. It’s been done.

It was valentine’s day, so I suppose it clicked for that reason as well. So would you? If you could? Completey erase your memory of a love lost? You’re no longer divorced. You were never married to begin with.

What do you get from the memory of the love, the loss, the pain?

First off, how do you ever figure out relationships if you don’t learn from the ones that have failed? Once you’ve gotten past the initial hurt, loss, guilt, elation, or all of the above, what can you learn? What can you take away and use to grow? How can you be better? How can you avoid the same problems?

Next, if you erased those memories, how would you be you, the person you really are? Part of the way you understand the world is through your own experiences. It’s so idiosyncratic that it makes each of us the wacky, wonderful, unique beings that we are. And let’s face it, nobody can be you as well as you.

Finally, as I’ve been saying of late, whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. How can you be stronger if you don’t remember what almost killed you? It’s part of the fabric of who you’ve become. It gives you strength and power. You become a post-divorce survivor.

Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometime, Korgis

66 Days to Change Your Habits Post-Divorce

2011-02-07T20:37:00.001-05:00

If it really takes an average of 66 days to learn a new habit, is it possible that’s about how long it can take to learn to be divorced? Alright, the study shows it can actually take between 18 and 254 days. I’ve previously predicted 208 days.

How habits work. Habits are behaviors that are performed automatically (without thought), because they have been performed repeatedly over time. There is a trigger or cue in the environment. For example, it’s lunchtime. When we encounter that trigger or cue, we display the behavior without thinking about it. For example, it’s lunchtime so I’m going to have some fruit and yogurt (instead of a big mac, the habit). You have to be clear about what you want to do in a particular situation and then do it each time you encounter that situation. Over time, it becomes increasingly easy and automatic.

How habits work post-divorce. When you’re with someone a long time, you learn a bunch of habits. Post-divorce, these must change. There are overt behaviors we have to change. Instead of calling my once-significant other when I’m in a fix (the trigger), I have to call someone else…or figure it out myself (the habit). There are covert behaviors we have to change. Instead of thinking about how terrible it is that I’m in a fix and can’t call my once-significant other, I must think about how good it is that I’m going to be able to handle this mouse in the house by calling a friend, or an exterminator, or getting some cheese and a mousetrap (sorry if that’s PI).

Really, all change is about changing behaviors and ways of thinking at approximately the same time. There’s always a chicken and egg question. Did I think I can get rid of the mouse and then get rid of it? Or, did I get rid of the mouse and then think I’m able to get rid of mice? Really, it doesn’t matter.

The trick is to decide you want to change the habit, figure out the triggers or cues in the environment and change your response, the habit, when you encounter those triggers or cues. Start thinking you can change things in 66 days, and worry about the chicken-egg question later. What’s the first habit you want to change?

More about the habit change study.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-02-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it seems like things are never going to get better post-divorce. I started reading memoirs as a way of trying to understand how some people are able to move on in life, while others get stuck. The scientist in me knows that one case does not a finding make, but the creative in me believes that one can learn so much from a single example. I’m so encouraged by people who are able to overcome the extremes of suffering and loss. I loved An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination¸ Elizabeth McCracken’s brilliant memoir of loss and recovery. Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking, is another example.

What can you do? If you can’t see the light:

Read a memoir.
Read a novel (old, Anna Karenina or new, One Day).
Read self-help (old, Reinventing your Life, or new, The How of Happiness).
Confide in a close friend.
Confide in a not so close friend.
Go to a museum.
Watch a funny movie (old, Groundhog Day, new, Date Night).
Watch an action movie (old, The Terminator, new, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo).
Watch a movie sadder than your life (old, Saving Private Ryan, new, The Reader).
Write a novel,a blog, a journal or your memoir.
Come up with something that fits you and leave a comment about it below.

Just don’t join the hoards of people who curl up and give up. Instead, look for that light at the end of the tunnel. If you need help, get a coach or a therapist. Or…

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

Post-Divorce Zen

2011-01-28T22:39:00.000-05:00

I read about a Zen teacher who came to a town during a drought and was asked to bring rain. Instead of asking for rain, he moved into a house and tended his garden. After a time, it rained. The master’s explanation was that he tended the garden to deal with an imbalance in himself. As he gardened, his internal harmony increased. As for the rain, who can say?

The learning I take from this is simple. Tending to things in the body, mind and our relationships helps us move on and be ourselves. It’s the same with so many difficulties. Trying to get rid of painful emotions and memories simply doesn’t work very well. I like the combination of acceptance and being you find in mindfulness.

We can’t change the past and we can’t directly stop the pain. But we can heal and we can do positive things. It’s this moving forward that leads us to our new lives. And before you know it, it’s raining.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

Just because it's fun, Umbrella, Rihanna.

Move into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey

2011-01-22T17:47:00.000-05:00

Could you use a push to help you head into the new year with new energy? This is your invitation to attend a free 2-session teleseminar where participants will have an opportunity to raise questions and get down and dirty to find solutions to the post-divorce doldrums.

This free teleseminar will help you address the challenges of moving on from a long-term relationship by:

* Establishing a positive post-divorce mindset

* Using personal strengths to move forward

* Learning to enjoy this new journey

Coaching helps you learn to use your strengths in unique ways and challenges you to use your resources to effectively negotiate new terrain.

This teleseminar begins in February, 2011

Contact me now to sign up!

Instructions: Upon email registration you will be provided with details about this teleseminar.

Feel free to pass this invitation on to anyone who could use an opportunity to raise questions about their situation and get down and dirty to find solutions to the post-divorce doldrums.

Divorce Won’t Kill You But it Will Make You Stronger

2011-01-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure how I decided that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger would be a life coach blog, instead of a post-divorce blog. What was I thinking? Of course divorce is the very thing that will make you stronger.

How will it make you stronger, let me count the ways.

1. You will figure out what you need to move on. Unless you wallow. No wallowing allowed except for a short while. Do things that make you happy.

2. You will realize that you can live without a partner. Unless you’re compelled to jump right into another relationship. There’s no right answer to this, but be smart. Think before you leap.

3. You will find that you can do things (get the wasp nest out of the mailbox, get the bat out of the garage, change the light bulb that’s impossibly high up at the top of the stairs, leap tall buildings in a single bound) that you never thought possible. Unless you stop yourself. Go ahead, get the broom and go after those suckers.

4. You’ll see others having the experiences you thought were unique to you. Unless you have to have the most painful divorce. Stop right there and recognize that you’re part of a community and it’s a good thing.

5. You’ll notice strengths you forgot you had. Unless you say I can’t a lot. Figure out what strengths have been dormant and use them to succeed.

6. You will recognize that you can survive this ordeal. Unless you get stuck. It’s imperative that you take whatever action is needed to get unstuck. Try coaching, therapy or a divorce group.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Divorce will make you into a veritable superman/woman if you allow yourself to reach your potential.

Sunshine came softly through my window today
Could’ve tripped out easy a-but I a-changed my ways
Sunshine Superman, Donovan

Post-Divorce Lesson: Pain is Inevitable, But Misery is Optional

2011-01-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

Leave it to AA to pick up on the Buddhist approach to life. I’m taken with songs, websites and books that address the pain of separation and divorce, yet also inject a wonderful dose of humor, demonstrating that misery is, indeed, optional. Pray for You is my current fav. Despite the hope that

All your dreams never come true

surely,

I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend
And wake up with his and her tattoos

was not meant to be serious.

Another example is my ex wife’s wedding dress. After his wife of 12 years left him in pain, this entertaining blogger couldn't help but notice that a single item remained in her section of our closet, her wedding dress. And he set out to identify 101 clever and amusing uses for it.

So what I’m saying here is that perhaps we don’t have to take ourselves and our pain so seriously. After all, the research does show that trauma results in coping and resilience. So it’s not all bad. You have to have some adversity to give you the strength to handle problems that will invariably come your way. And sometimes it’s the pain that pushes you to change in positive ways.

As the Dalai Lama said:

Happiness is not something ready made.
It comes from your own actions.

So maybe creating a website or writing a song are not the ways you might move on, but perhaps journaling, working out or something else new is on your path to happiness.

For fun: Pray for You. Jaron and the Long Road to Love

Learning From Divorce. What Careers Can Tell Us.

2011-01-10T10:18:00.000-05:00

Looking at a recent study of careers with high divorce rates, what can we learn for our post-divorce relationships?

Possibilities include:

*From dancers and bartenders, beware of temptation from lots of social or physical contact, especially when wearing formfitting clothing or when alcohol is flowing freely.

*Telephone operators, home health workers and psychiatric nurses suggest we need to leave the stress at work.

*Factory workers make me wonder about crazy shift work, the stress of boring and monotonous work, and how they affect home life.

*And then there are massage therapists…a no brainer?

You could marry an engineer, optometrist or podiatrist, or you could just try to work on behaviors that make for good relationships.

Have a listen: Friday on my Mind, Easybeats,

Secret Destinations Post-divorce

2011-01-02T19:12:00.000-05:00

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. Martin Buber

Starting a new year post-divorce can be trying, but what a great quote to start with. I see it as a way of reflecting on how we never quite know what we’ll encounter in our journey. Most of us don’t expect to get divorced, so the divorce is certainly a secret destination, but so is everything that comes after that day.

When I consider all that I’ve done in the seven years since my divorce, it’s quite astounding. And no, I have not developed more modesty. A runner for many years, I was inspired to run my first 10K and have run it 3 more times since then. Running races was never something on my radar, so it turned out to be a secret destination. Also ran my first 5K and have run that one a few more times. A psychologist for many years, I studied life coaching and attained my certification which was a destination I’d never planned. Although I’m an avid fitness person, I’ve become a serious student of yoga, which was something entirely new to me. No doubt as a result of all this fitness, I got my first massage and have joyfully had many since, another secret destination.

What it striking to me when I look at my life and the lives of others, is that we frame our journeys and the many secret destinations we visit along the way, with our particular mindset. For me, the post-divorce years are joyous, free and invigorating. Sure there’s been angst and pain; it happens to everyone for various reasons. But I choose not to frame my journey in those terms. I’ve accomplished a lot of things, and they probably have less to do with being divorced and more to do with filling the 7 years of this journey with a lot of travel, hence many secret destinations. I have many clients and friends who view their post-divorce secret destinations with the same kind of pleasure and acceptance. Then there are others for whom everything post-divorce is less than, not as good as or otherwise deficient; they do not brag about their secret destinations. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We all have secret destinations, and it’s wise to learn to accept the ones that are difficult, and be sure to arrive at others that are exciting and fun.

I can’t help it, but the song that comes to mind is It Happens, Sugarland. So shoot me for mixing Buber and C&W.

Post-Divorce Exercise Saves Lives

2010-12-13T22:56:00.001-05:00

Okay, I don’t mean post-divorce exercise literally saves lives, although I’m not saying it won’t save yours. But exercise is something that has often keeps us going when the going gets rough. Divorce, being a new parent, grad school, and many other difficult situations raise the stress level and necessitate decisive action to bring it down to manageable.

I took a yoga class some months after my separation, and several women in the class said yoga had saved their lives. Some were post-divorce, others had chronic health issues, but all attributed huge physical and psychic gains to the practice.

I know, I know. You don’t have time. The idea of integrating exercise into daily life in as many ways as possible is something to think about. Getting outside is another fantastic stress reducer. Together these are great for maintaining equilibrium and not allowing the stress level to creep up on you. You don’t have to spend loads of time. The trick is to figure out what works for you, even if you can only eke out 15 min. You can:

*Go to the gym right before or after work
*Walk, run bike or go to the gym at lunch
*Use the stairs instead of the elevator
*Walk or bike to your next appointment
*Schedule gym, yoga or biking time in your work-week
*Keep a yoga mat, stationary bike or exercise clothes/shoes at the office in case you get a break
*Use a jogging stroller, kiddy bike seat or baby back-pack to incorporate exercise into the work of childcare
*Use the exercise room at hotels during business trips
*Explore new cities on foot, walking or running when traveling
*Take a dance, exercise or yoga class during lunch
*Do short family/friend hikes, walks, rides and runs during the week

Choose options that will fit with your lifestyle. Have other ideas for post-divorce stress reduction? Please leave a comment.

Post-Divorce: Second Chances

2010-12-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

I heard a piece about Dave Brubeck today. In his interview with Terry Gross, he explained that he stopped piano lessons with his mother, a music teacher. He focused on his father’s love, cattle ranching and rodeo roping. Studying pre-vet in college, in his second year an astute professor suggested he drop the science and study music. It wasn’t until his senior year that they realized he couldn’t read music. He went on to become one of the most celebrated jazz musicians in the world. Also inspiring, about to turn 90, he is still performing.

What does this have to do with divorce? With life? Just this: there are always second chances. And usually third and fourth ones too. Whether it’s a marriage, a career, a relationship or a belief, there are opportunities. You can’t rewind, do-over or re-do. But you can start fresh.

So consider this: what would you like to do with your second chance? Perhaps a little post-divorce growth?

Post-Divorce Holiday Tips

2010-11-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

If I do say so myself, my tips from last year on managing post-divorce holiday stress are pretty good: Do what you do to de-stress; create new rituals; look good; accept the new; remember why you made the choices you made.

I have a few more for this year.

Acceptance is golden. It wasn’t perfect before the divorce and it won’t be perfect now. Accept that truth. It’s okay to do the best you can. It’s quite good enough because it has to be. If you and your brother didn’t get along well before, you’re not going to get along better now just because you’re divorced and want things to be peaceful and pleasant. If the kids argue normally, they’re going to argue even though it’s the holidays.

Be social. Although we don’t always get along with our loved ones, even for the most diehard introverts, holidays are tough alone. If need be, invite yourself someplace. Friends are usually more than happy to make room for one more.

Money can’t buy you love. Coming into the Chanukah and Christmas spending seasons, post-divorce most of us just don’t have as much as before. The kids can do with less. Either they’re old enough to understand or too young to care about exactly how much money you spent. Your friends will understand if you don’t have as much to give as you did before.

Volunteer. Serving Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner to people in need is a fulfilling experience and one that can make even the most depressing post-divorce holiday warmer and more upbeat. If you can’t serve, considering giving food or money.

Be thankful. It’s Thanksgiving, so be thankful for what you do have. What a great time to start a gratitude journal or a gratitude book for the whole family. And speaking of gifts, gratitude letters are great gifts. So are personalized cards expressing thanks to friends and family for specific things. And so are photo books and other handmade or made-to-order personalized gifts that are not too expensive.

Happy holidays! And thanks for reading my blog.

Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love. Can’t Buy Me Love. The Beatles.

Post-divorce Self-compassion

2010-11-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

Considering the value of self-esteem is relevant to the post-divorce period. I’ve already talked about how self-esteem can be impacted negatively in marriage, but now we’re all about questioning the very notion of self-esteem. Some people call it self-indulgence.

I like the idea that we would do better to consider self-compassion as an alternative to self-esteem. Adapted for post-divorce, self-compassion involves:

* Being tolerant of the self. Tolerance is about being non-judgmental, particularly in the face of failures. Since divorce is the ultimate failure for many because of their values, hopes and dreams, it’s useful to consider a different view. Perhaps it isn’t a failure at all. Perhaps we do not need to judge ourselves through the right-wrong lens. Acceptance without judgment is a different view. Sometimes, if not always, we’re where we need to be.

* Recognizing that pain is part of the human experience. We need not be isolated in our pain. I’ve talked about the role of friendship and support post-divorce which I think is really important. We are not islands but part of the common humanity. Everyone has their pain and it’s good to talk about ours. We can help others by being there, listening and supporting.

* Trying to maintain emotional balance. We need not exaggerate our failings, including indulging in self-pity when in pain. This is a toughie, but ruminating, obsessing and getting hysterical about our problems is rarely useful. Trying to get a calm, clear perspective and to maintain that perspective without drama is very useful. It involves noticing your thoughts and accepting or redirecting them instead of allowing the negative focus to engulf us. Sometimes input from others helps us gain perspective and feel supported.

So instead of bemoaning that your self-esteem is low because of the divorce, try taking special care to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, and maybe even to others, post-divorce. It’s a goal likely to boost happiness.

Post-Divorce Mindset: Failure or Renewal?

2010-10-27T19:52:00.000-04:00

It’s autumn and the leaves are changing. They’re beautiful, and though we know they’re dying, we don’t see it as a failure. It’s a process of readying for winter followed by renewal in the spring. We love the changes.

What does this have to do with divorce? If we can think of the post-divorce period as a process, then we might talk about a failed marriage, then a process of change followed by renewal. It’s when we have the mindset, I’m a failure because of my divorce, that we get into trouble. Thinking of yourself as a failure obviously leaves little room for change. Thinking of yourself as a person who was in a bad marriage, and is now recovering from that experience and moving toward growth and renewal, is infinitely more helpful.

*Becoming is better than being. So said someone and I have to agree. Now that you’re single, what would you like to become? Think of three things you’d like to become at this point in your life. For example, become a yogi/yogini, become an accomplished cook, or become a better parent. Better yet, become all three.

*One man or woman’s meat is another’s poison. I’ll have to agree with that one as well. You’ll meet or have already met many who identify their divorce as the turning point in their lives after which all else went to the dogs. You’ll meet many more who identify their divorce as the turning point after which all else (relatively speaking) was dog heaven. And here’s the secret: meat or poison, heaven or hell, it’s completely up to you. You make it what you want based on how you think about it. If you think creatively and positively about how you’re going to flourish, like the trees come springtime, you’ve got it covered.

*You are what you think. I definitely agree with this one. You are not a failure, you are not just a divorced person, you are a survivor. And you are about to create your own destiny. This is a growth opportunity, as are most tragedies. Athletes with a “growth mindset” learn from their losses and misses to become better players. People with growth mindsets know they can do anything they set their minds to, regardless of what they’ve been through. So figure out how you’d like to grow.

Change how you think of yourself and your experiences to make the post-divorce experience one of renewal and not failure. Spring is just around the corner.

Just for fun: Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone

Journal Post-Divorce...For Your Eyes Only

2010-10-11T23:06:00.001-04:00

After writing recently about journaling for health and other assorted reasons, I thought, what better way to get out of the post-divorce doldrums?

I started my as yet unpublished memoir in the early post-divorce period. It was quite therapeutic. I submitted an as yet unpublished essay to the NY Times Modern Love column. While the rejection was disappointing, or as I prefer to say, “unlucky,” it was fun to write and exciting to submit.

I’m not saying you have to write for publication. Writing, if it comes reasonably naturally to you, is a great way to get thoughts and feelings out of your head, enhance your understanding of situations and difficulties, problem-solve, be creative and have fun. It can be for your eyes only.

You can write your way:

*through depressed, angry and guilty feelings
*through new and difficult situations, like dating
*through problems, e.g., with the kids, with your future, with your ex
*into your new and improved post-divorce personna

There are many famous post-divorce books, including:

*How to Sleep Alone in a King-size Bed
*Eat, Pray, Love
*First Wives Club
*Heartburn

So get out pen and paper, a notebook or journal, or open a brand new page in your word processor, and just let it flow. Leave your internal editor behind, and see what comes out. Get wild, get crazy, have some fun…it’s for your eyes only.

You've Said Goodbye to Your Narcissist...Wake up and Smell the Flowers

2010-10-10T17:07:00.000-04:00

Charming, commanding and demanding, the narcissist (almost as often a woman as a man) is sure to strain even the sanest, most committed mate. So finally, you’ve had enough, either because you were pushed to the limit or because you knew it would never change. So you’ve kicked him or her out. You’re alone. Once you’ve said goodbye to your narcissist, you have to learn a few things.

Learn to:

*Be alone
*Deal with your guilt and anger
*Rely on your own judgment
*Trust your view of reality
*Love yourself as you are
*Recognize your codependence

Learning to love yourself is important, but it’s not enough. You must also learn not to attract yet another narcissist. Or if you do, you must learn to let him/her go. If you can’t do the things you need to make you happy (okay, I’m on a happiness kick which is why I started thinking about this to begin with) then you could have a narcissist on your hands.

You must:

*Be assertive and say no when appropriate
*Notice when you’re being a caretaker, which is probably what got you in trouble in the first place
*Not be controlled and give up things important to you in deference to what they want
*Notice when you’re feeling bad and take appropriate action
*Notice when you spend a lot more time stroking your partner than being stroked
*Notice when you’re wary of the mood you’re partner is going to be in

When these things are becoming increasingly difficult, you must consider the distinct possibility that you’ve involved yourself with another narcissist. Wake up and smell the flowers!

For inspiration: Annie Lennox, Pavement Cracks

Post-Divorce 12-Step Program

2010-09-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

What do you think of a post-divorce 12-step program? You know, for recovering divorcees. Has it been done? Goggle reveals nothing. I’ll have to brush up on my 12-steps. No, I’m not an addict and don’t want to pass myself off as one. Though there’s always Addicted to Love, of course.

My 60-second post-divorce 12-step manual.

Step 1. Recognize you were powerless to stop the divorce. It happened. What’s done is done.

Step 2. Only a power greater than ourselves can restore sanity, e.g., running, yoga, mindfulness, god, therapy, coaching.

Step 3. Turn yourself over to the greater power. You must want to get better and move on.

Step 4. Make a fearless moral inventory. How have you lived your life? And how do you want to live it? This is a good time for a change.

Step 5. Admit your wrongs. Identify weaknesses and failings.

Steps 6 and 7. Be ready to have your greater power remove these defects. Whatever your greater power, put it to work here. Personally, I think that means you. Work to get your act together.

Step 8. Make a list of those you have harmed. There are always those we have pushed aside if not downright harmed, particularly in the midst of the post-divorce trauma, if not before.

Step 9. Make amends to those you have harmed. It’s a good time to sort out your issues with people.

Step 10. Continue with your personal inventory and when wrong, admit it promptly.

Step 11. Through prayer and meditation (or running, music, etc). improve our connection with our higher power.

Step 12. Carry the message to others. I survived divorce. You can too!

I like the 12-step focus on being a better person. It’s a good focus for all that negative post-divorce energy.

Mood music: Addicted to Love, Robert Palmer.

Post-Divorce Intentions

2010-09-20T22:22:00.000-04:00

Mindful behavior involves intentions. In short, you consciously decide what you’d like to be doing and then set an intention to do that thing. Consider what you’d like to be doing differently post-divorce, and what intentions you might need to set to make that happen.

You have to consider the things you’re struggling with and what your intentions might be. Some of the possibilities for post-divorce intentions are:

*I notice my many positive qualities (being divorced is not my central defining characteristic).
*I am present in the moment (and not dwelling on how things were or could have been).
*I take care of things myself (even if I haven’t always done so).
*I speak only in neutral or positive terms about Jon, Jill or whoever (i.e., your ex).
*I focus on wholesome, healthy thoughts about my divorce (not unwholesome or unhealthy thoughts).
*I believe being single is a normal, healthy state (not a lowly life form just above an amoeba).

Identify your intention(s) and go through these four steps.

First, be aware of your intention. Let’s take the intention, I believe being single is a normal state. Negative thoughts that come up about being divorced (e.g., I’m a failure, Everyone is married but me, You have to be in a couple to be happy) are thoughts to notice but not dwell on.

Second, remind yourself of the intention when you notice the negative thinking. When you notice you're thinking that everyone is married except you, remind yourself that being single is normal, that many people are single, even never-married, and are perfectly normal.

Third, keep the intention in mind with some reminder you develop. You have a beloved object you’ve acquired after the divorce that you put on your dresser to remind yourself every morning that your intention is to live with the knowledge that being single is a normal, healthy state. You set a reminder on your phone that pops up every 3 hours that says, I’m a powerful, attractive person. Each is a structure you establish that reminds you of your intention.

Fourth, keep track of how you’re doing with your intention and notice the gains you make. If you feel you can do better, design a plan for doing so without criticism or judgment. Perhaps the object on your dresser is working well, but you need something at the office too. Great! Do it.

Being aware of our intentions and setting them mindfully can be a real help post-divorce.

Post-Divorce Forgiveness

2010-09-14T21:46:00.001-04:00

I’ve looked at self-forgiveness post-divorce, and other-forgiveness in general. How about forgiving the other party in the divorce? The REACH acronym proposed by Worthington works for the post-divorce situation.

R – Recall the hurt. Whatever the reasons it ended, there was hurt (as if you’ve forgotten). See it, feel it, taste it. Without first grabbing hold, you can’t let go.

E – Empathize with the other person. Try to understand why s/he needed to do what s/he did, why they couldn’t be the person you needed, why you couldn’t make it work together.

A – Altruistically give forgiveness. It’s a gift to be given with no personal gain (though honestly, the research on forgiveness shows that it will feel good and be good for your health).

C – Commit to forgiving publicly. You don’t have to put an ad in the paper, but you do have to make it concrete in some way. Write a forgiveness letter (give it or don’t), journal about it, tell someone.

H – Hold onto forgiveness. As opposed to revenge, anger and hate. Try to practice it. Develop an intention to forgive and act on it. In fact, you may want to start with an intention to forgive, and work from there.

Who knows, some day you might want to write them a gratitude letter. After all, if I didn’t go through yesterday, I wouldn’t be right here today.

Music to forgive by: Taxi, Harry Chapin

Reduce Post-Divorce Stress with Mindfulness

2010-09-08T20:54:00.001-04:00

I really like mindfulness techniques for getting more centered, calm and managing stress under any circumstances. Anyone can learn to be less judgmental, more patient, more present, more intentional and more authentic.

Have a look at my recent eZine article on the subject with specific attention to the post-divorce situation. And namaste baby.

10,000 Hour Rule Post-Divorce

2010-08-30T21:02:00.000-04:00

The high performance literature tells us that you have to work hard to excel. Recently popularized in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers, I think it’s useful for considering the post-divorce learning curve.

Although the 10,000 hours rule is discussed as several hours a day over 10 years to build a business or master a sport, I think it's a good post-divorce rule. Consider that you practice being a divorced person 24-7. Or at least during your waking hours. Okay, quite possibly while you’re asleep as well. By my calculations, it would take just a little over a year to be an expert. How long do you think it would take to be a talented amateur? I’m thinking it would take only half that time, give or take.

High performance requires a few things which I think are relevant for excelling in your post-divorce life.

1. Pursue your passion. You’re divorced, so being single better be your passion, right? Embrace it.

2. Develop and focus on goals. Breathe, exercise, meditate or do whatever you do to create and focus on your goals. You may have a goal of the day (e.g., getting through this day without snapping at anyone) or a goal of the week (e.g., getting me out to socialize two times) or a 6 month goal (e.g., finding a new house or job).

3. Pump yourself up. Music, fist pumping, dancing or getting a pep talk from a friend, all serve to get you excited about your goals and go for them.

4. Develop routines. Athletes, performers and creatives all have routines. They help us focus, stay on track and waste less time. If I deviate from my getting-ready-for-work routine I’m sure to forget my watch, take too long to get out of the house or otherwise start the day in a bit of a frenzy. Make new routines and follow them.

5. Use affirmations. I think I can I think I can I think I can. You can! Tell yourself in whatever way that works for you that you can do this, and you can do it well.

6. Take breaks to renew. Sometimes you just need time alone. No commitments, no plans, maybe just a good book or a few movies. But not for too long. It’s just a break and then you get back to your routines and goals.

208 days is not so terribly long. That’s my prediction for how long it can take to achieve talented amateur status in the post-divorce world.

Pump up with Put Your Records On – Corinne Bailey Rae

Post-Divorce Dating Online

2010-08-16T18:42:00.000-04:00

It’s official. According to a story today on NPR, more than half of modern couples meet on-line. That doesn’t include the people who meet in bars but actually met first on-line. So for you post-divorcees, consider the possibility of getting your dating going via the internet. It worked for me.

As the psychologist quoted pointed out, no one knows what you want the way you do. And you can screen for things important to you via on-line dating services. Sure you’ll meet some people you’re not interested in seeing again, but that’s always true of dating. It’s still a lot quicker than traditional meets.

Shop as many sites as it takes to find one you’re comfortable with. Look for sites that capture your interests if the biggies like match.com don’t appeal. You can date by ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, geekiness, profession, wealth, politics, athleticism and probably anything else you’re interested in. Consider free sites if you’re not sure about the commitment.

Other tips for on-line dating:

- Tell the truth and present your best self, but there’s no point in saying you’ve got an athletic body type or college degree if you don’t.

- Consider different options like speed dating and matchmaking services.

- Be safe, i.e., use your head.

- Do not personalize everything; if someone doesn’t get back to you there are a million reasons why.

- Be ready to move on if something doesn’t feel right or isn’t working right.

- Consider anyone who meets your criteria. You can always ditch them later and it’s good practice.

- Have fun!!!

I Look So Good Without You

2010-08-01T16:22:00.000-04:00

More than one person said to me post-divorce, you look great; divorce must agree with you. If we think of strengths as the flip side of weaknesses, and opportunities as the flip side of threats, maybe that explains it.

Athletes learn how to recovery from injury and get over bad performances. There’s a lot to be learned post-divorce from their advice.

Wallow, briefly. You may have to act out, isolate, eat, starve, sleep, or whatever your particular I’ve-hit-bottom strategies are. But you’ve got to set a time limit and move on. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to spend evenings now and again watching tear-jerkers or playing videogames all night while hanging out with your pet. You just don’t get to do it every night.

Cross-train. What? You’re not in training? Yes, you are. You’re in training for being a divorced person. Find new things and try them out. Everyone has something they’ve put on the back burner for when they have more time. The dance class they’ve wanted to take, the triathlon they’ve wanted to train for. Even if you’re a single parent, you probably still have more time, since you’re not devoting all that time to your spouse.

Find a positive or nix negativity. Notice when you’re getting into negative self-talk and work hard to turn it into something positive. Just as athletes have to get over the fact that they’re injured or didn’t make a personal best, you have to get over the fact that things didn’t turn out as you’d hoped. Decide right then and there that the next relationship is going to be healthier and happier. Listen to Jessie James who will perk you right up.

Come back with care and reasonable expectations. Don’t expect too much from yourself and take things slow and easy. This applies to new relationships and goals for new projects you may take up. Give yourself some time to get back to speed.

And remember the the words of Billy Crystal: You look mahvelous.

Post-Divorce SWOT Analysis

2010-07-13T22:22:00.000-04:00

You know how SWOT analysis is used in strategic planning for organizations? Even if you’re not familiar with it, the idea is to analyze the organization’s Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It’s a good post-divorce planning model. Consider yourself an organization. Newly incorporated if you like.

Let’s start with your strengths. Take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths if you get stuck. Or just be honest with yourself and don’t let your inner critic guide you. Friends are also good at pointing out our strengths. Your strengths might include honesty, intelligence, creative problem solving ability, strong parenting, empathy. See how you can parlay these into good skills for meeting people and figuring out what you want to do with your life? Use your honesty and intelligence to engage your next date and your problem solving ability to figure out how to manage the visitation schedule.

Weaknesses are easy for most of us. Too much of a strength can be a weakness. Like being too trusting, for example. Afraid to try new things might be another. Afraid of being rejected yet another. Weaknesses can be paralyzing if you let them get the best of you.

Opportunities come naturally out of weaknesses. Too trusting? Try modulating that in the next relationship, whether it’s with a new landlord or new friend. If you’re afraid to try new things, set yourself the goal of trying something new every day, whether it’s just a new flavor of coffee or talking to the person next to you in the grocery checkout line. Or even something big like trying that on-line dating service your friend suggested. Or the new job you’ve been considering. Consider what you’d like to achieve and then identify the opportunities that are available to you.

Threats include external factors that might get in your way. One of my clients was convinced that having a little boy was going to completely dash all hopes of a date since, she claimed, everyone knows that men don’t like to take on other guy’s boys. That’s an inner critic talking if ever I heard one. But having a badly behaved boy stomp on your date might present problems. Figure out how to deal with that threat in advance. I know you can use your creativity to work it out. The economy is another threat. It’s going to make it impossible for you to get that high paying job you need now, right? Wrong. Yes, the economy presents issues for all of us, but someone’s going to get that job. Why not you?

What I like about the SWOT analysis is that it forces us to take stock of our abilities and the challenges we face. And it makes it possible for us to figure out how to move ahead.

The Shared Post-Divorce Experience

2010-06-08T21:06:00.002-04:00

One of the things I loved about Theo Pauline Nestor’s How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed was the interweaving of life-story and divorce-fact. It’s summarized here:

“It’s weird to think of all this activity as a recognizable phase of human development like the ones children go through…Apparently I’m not really an individual woman starring in her own never-been-told-before-drama. I’m one of thousands, and I’m on a well-trodden path, one with well-mapped crests and valleys and milestones as predictable as the appearance of molars and the onset of puberty.”

Of course we all want to be unique with our own unique stories. Good for us. But the idea that certain aspects of our pain are shared, well that’s just priceless as I’ve reflected on before.

So here are some of the commonalities of experience, courtesy of Nestor and me, with a few of my suggestions for handling them:
* Rearranging our space – Damn right…I’m gonna make it mine.

* Being treated like a freak (the maitre de asking: just one?) - This may be our distortion. Indeed, an informal study I conducted found that even when I’m with someone the maitre de may ask, just two?

* People exclude you because of your singledom – it’s hell for the hostess at a dinner party to handle singles.

* Feeling like your former other cannot disengage, making it difficult for you to do so – You’ve got to do it anyway. Just go ahead and cut the cord. It’ll feel better.

* Sleeping with the former spouse and feeling guilty – Just don’t keep doing it. But certainly don’t feel guilty. The desire for intimacy is normal.

* People complain you date too soon, or not soon enough - Everyone’s an expert. You know what's right for you.

* Meeting the ex-spouses’ significant other is painful and confusing, even if you have a significant other yourself - Of course it is. It’s evidence that part of your life has been usurped by someone else, even if you no longer want it. It’s painful in anticipation, before it ever happens. It just has to be accepted as a part of life.

* The institution of marriage itself has become confusing – Just table that for now. See how you feel about it in a year or two.

* Thinking the ex-spouse is going to be a better person with better judgment than they were when you were married –They probably are not going to change for your benefit. And I mean this in the kindest way: get over it.

* Others don’t always understand your choices, and are delighted to let you know it – Give them your best Buddha smile and nod understandingly. Then do what you want.

There are many more commonalities. I hear them from clients all the time. These are just a few of the highlights I offer to encourage you to view yourself as part of a community. You’re not alone.

How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over, Theo Pauline Nestor.

Post-Divorce Gratitude

2010-05-23T22:36:00.001-04:00

People who are more grateful are happier. It’s simply a fact. So I’m thinking that in the post-divorce unhappy period, why not practice gratitude in the hopes of being happier?

But how to be more grateful? Sonja Lyubormirsky gives the how-tos in her book the How of Happiness. I wanted to highlight a few ideas here and you can also see another blog and newsletter I’ve written about the subject.

I like five of the ways Lyubormirsky shows that gratitude is thought to actually increase happiness. These include savoring the positives in your life, feeling better about yourself as a result, feeling more connected with others who contribute to the positives in your life, reducing the envy and jealousy which are incompatible with gratitude and actually starting to feel more positive about the good things we have. Not only are these good things for everyone, but post-divorce they’re particularly useful. They counter the natural self-esteem drops (I must be inadequate for not making the marriage work) and envy increases (look at that happy family, and that one, and that one) which many experience.

The typical way to practice gratitude is the gratitude journal written daily, a few times a week or weekly, depending on your personal needs. Thinking about gratitude without writing about it is another way to practice. And an interesting twist is to think about something for which you are not grateful, e.g., the ungrateful thought that your kids never spontaneously tell you they love you. Then counter it with a grateful thought about how they do spontaneously hug you or call you.

Another really potent approach is to tell someone the reasons you are grateful to them, by letter or in person. Even just writing a gratitude letter without giving it seems to increase happiness.

Finding a gratitude buddy is helpful to some. Being accountable to someone else may increase your chances of sticking to a gratitude plan. Sharing something you’re grateful for with another person is also a way of enhancing our own experience of gratitude.

Earlier this evening I mentioned to my son how much I love the smell of dusk at this time of year; he enthusiastically said he felt the same which was very pleasing to me. Okay, I choose to think he was being serious though I recognize he may have been slightly sarcastic (yeah mom, I smell another one of your hokey positive psychology interventions).

Post-divorce Decluttering

2010-05-09T15:23:00.000-04:00

There’s a lot of stuff in a marriage. Furniture, papers, pictures and photos, gifts received, kitchenware and bathrooms full of stuff. I still find the odd item after nearly 9 years. Some things are keepers. You don’t want to have to buy a new blender for no good reason. Others, they have bad karma and you just know it. One must honor that and deal with it appropriately, i.e., such items must get gone. And you can see another blog entry for an example of this.

Cluttering experts believe that physical clutter reflects mental clutter. I’m going to have to agree but I mean it in the kindest way. I have piles of unread journals. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s a thing. They represent something to me and I’m not sure I want to let that thing go just yet.

Now I’m not saying that if you keep stuff from the marriage you haven’t let go. But you have to consider what that particular stuff means to you. Consider if it’s dragging you down. Consider how you feel and what you think when you see it. Consider what it would be like for you if it were gone.

If you’re early on in this process, large plastic bags full of stuff for the dump or good will are extremely liberating. It’s like letting to of deadweight. There’s almost a physical lightness that comes of getting rid of stuff. It can be downright fun.

And if you have any doubt, check out John Lennon’s Instant Karma.

Forgive the Mistakes Post-divorce

2010-05-06T20:58:00.000-04:00

Short of having the means to go back in time and change the past, how do we let go of our mistakes? Do we say, I forgive me for flunking that exam because I partied and didn't study, I forgive me for going to law school when I really wanted to join the Peace Corps, I forgive me for getting married when I wasn’t sure, or...[your issue here]?

How do we move from believing we've done something wrong to accepting our imperfections? You have to notice the self-blame and take action to forgive yourself. It goes something like this.

First, you have to admit that you've done something forgiveness-worthy. You married too young, too fast, a person you had qualms about from the start, or ...[your reason here].

Next, you must experience the feelings of shame, guilt and regret. Accepting responsibility is required. I messed up and I have no one (really) to blame but myself. No one forced me to marry, I could have withstood being a single parent, not pleasing him/her, not pleasing the families, or...[your reason here]. You must accept that you made the choice. You must allow youreself to experience that it feels bad.

Finally, you must try for understanding and acceptance. It seemed like a good choice at the time. No one's perfect. This doesn't make me a worthless person. Instead of self-blame and recrimination, you have to figure out what you're going to do about it now. How can you move forward? How can you handle the next relationship differently? How can you...[your goal here]? It's not forgetting, but forgiving and remembering to do something different.

Self-forgiving people, like other-forgiving people, have better health and mental health. It's not surprising, since guilt, shame, anger and self-criticism are stressful. So take a few deep, cleansing breaths, and let go, at least for right now. Take a step into your self-forgiving future. And while you’re at it, consider if there’s anyone else you might need to forgive.

Favorite Mistakes

2010-05-03T22:40:00.001-04:00

And the mistakes seem to me as crucial as the successes…Richard Holmes

I found the story of Humphry Davy’s discovery of laughing gas fascinating. Not only did he serendipitously discover that it numbed pain, but then, no one wanted to use it. It seems that physicians believed that patients who expressed pain would be able to cope with surgery. They believed the pain showed that the body was fighting and it was a good thing. Ouch.

I’m reminded of people who were in painful marriages and continued, feeling they should be experiencing the pain, that it was part of a real relationship. Often these same people experience amazing relief after divorce. I’m not saying get divorced, I’m just saying that you have to listen to your pain. I hear this often about jobs . The job is painful and it’s painful to consider leaving. Continuing in the pain is perhaps not such a good thing. Continuing in one’s mistake is also perhaps not such a good thing.

It took 40 years for doctors to use nitrous oxide in surgeries. Aren’t we glad they finally figured it out? So how about you? Have you finally figured it out? What have you learned from the mistakes of your marriage? This is the glorious part of making mistakes…the ability to learn from them.

Read about the Humphry Davy story.

Listen to Sheryl Crow, My Favorite Mistake

Post-Divorce Dating

2010-04-22T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm about to publish an Ezine article about post-divorce dating, so I'm giving a sneak preview here. The focus is using a different mindset when you consider the perils of dating.

I'm encouraging the growth mindset. Doesn't that sound all grown up and adult? It's about thinking more positively about your abilities and knowing that when you put enough effort into something, you're bound to succeed. We won't belabor the fixed mindset, which, as you can imagine, isn't quite as productive. It's the one where you think you'll never meet anyone, etc. NOT what we're looking for.

For the growth mindset, keep in mind:

- Effort leads to success - Join Facebook or Match.com
- Learn from mistakes - Why didn't that guy ask me out?
- Stay positive - I know I can figure out how to survive a date
- Seek out feedback - What's wonderful about me (or not so much?)
- Take the plunge! - In the words of a famous sneaker, JUST DO IT!

For more on mindset, look at the book or read my newsletter What's on your Mind?

Keep an eye out for my article here or read my last one.

Post-Divorce Creativity Cont'd

2010-04-04T16:26:00.000-04:00

You can never have too much creativity, right? And I can never rehash my own ideas enough, right? Okay, maybe not. You be the judge.

My recent newsletter about Using Creativity to Flourish identified 5 strategies for enhancing creativity in life. Let’s apply these to the post-divorce. Yes, I’ve made it a noun, so shoot me.

Enhance natural curiosity. This is trying not to rush and noticing things. Though you may be more stretched for time post-divorce, with kids, work and socializing to juggle (among other things), YOU can chose where to indulge your curiosity. So go crazy. Window shop, go to the museum your ex, Bob or Sally, sneered at and take that hike you’ve been wanting do.

Enhance your flow. Spend more time on your hobby, or take up a new one you didn’t quite feel was supported. I know, you need to spend more time with the kids, the parents, your job. But if you enjoy it, everyone will be happy. My kid has been remarkably supportive (well, since he’s a remarkable kid it’s not all that surprising) of the many hours I spent taking classes and working on my life coaching venture. He even gave me a sign for mother’s day that says Inspire.

Enhance relaxation and reflection. I spent the first 6 months or so sleeping about 4 or 5 hours a night compared to the minimum of 7 I really need to function well. Take heed. You will not get everything figured out, finished, etc. Rest and engage in activities that replenish your psyche and body. Massage, exercise, spiritual pursuits (you know I’m a running, yoga and meditation nut) are all going to help you figure out how to create the life you want.

Enhance the positives. You’ll experiment with different things that seem like they might be interesting…learning to play the flute or belly dance, the new investment group, pilates, speed-dating. Whatever you try, toss out the boring and the time wasters and just do the things you enjoy. Now you can create a schedule that works for you and yours, not having to worry about someone else’s needs.

Enhance your creativity affirmations. Forget I’m so not used to being alone I don’t know what to do with myself. Replace it with It’s so awesome to be able to be spontaneous and go someplace without checking in with anyone.

Building in creative space for yourself and the things that enhance creativity will help you move forward in new and exciting directions. When in doubt, try it.

And this could be the Start of Something New, HS Musical

Post-Divorce Growth

2010-03-30T21:51:00.000-04:00

Did you know there’s an area of research about posttraumatic growth? It focuses on how people make positive changes after trauma. I’m not saying getting a divorce is like being in a train wreck…okay, I am saying getting a divorce is like being in a train wreck. Hence the applicability of the posttraumatic growth literature.

I see many people who display just the sort of changes reflected in this area of research, post-divorce, including:

Increased ability to see possibilities in things. Many develop new interests that either were actively thwarted by the former spouse or simply not supported. Necessity being the mother of invention, sometimes the need to earn more or change the work schedule enables people to create more meaningful and satisfying lives.

Positive changes relating to others. I often see people putting more effort into relationships, accepting that they need people (you know, people who need people are the luckiest people).

Changes in personal strengths. Seeing the self as stronger is a common side-effect of divorce. You do what you gotta do, and perhaps never realized before that you could.

Changes in spirituality. I see a lot of personal growth. Leaving a significant relationship may start a search for meaning or a desire to become more accepting of the curve balls life throws our ways.

Maybe having a new appreciation of the value of one’s life, as real train wreck survivors are likely to have, is not a typical byproduct of divorce. Then again, we don’t have to worry about survivor guilt, do we?

Just for fun, you can take the Post traumatic Growth Inventory.

Now that I've used the line, the only song that comes to mind is People, Barbra Streisand.

Friendship Post-divorce

2010-03-26T18:41:00.000-04:00

Wondering what to get your post-divorce friend? Now, a department store in London has the answer to that very question. Yup, a gift registry for the divorced.

Seriously though, it raises something important for the post-divorce person. What do you need from your friends?

There are things for which a gift registry makes sense. Then there are the things you can’t buy. These are things like being loved, you know…priceless:

Spend time with your friend
Invite your friend places even though s/he is not a couple
Call and listen even if your friend is still whining
Tell your friend how wonderful, handsome/gorgeous, brilliant, etc. they are
Remind your friend why they made the choice they did or are in the situation they’re in…there’s always something positive here, a la:
Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able
to do it. Ryan Bingham, Up in the Air
Introduce your friend to other friends (not potential partners)
Include your friend during holidays
Go to a movie with your friend

If you’re reading the post-divorce blog, you’re probably divorced and need to pass this along to your friends so they know what to do. AND, you can ask for these things. Don’t be shy, say what you need.

For inspiration to say what you need, have a listen to Say, John Mayer

Ex-ray Vision for the Toxic Divorce

2010-02-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

You don’t look different

But you have changed

No one talks about certain post-divorce strategies that are essential in the management of the toxic divorce. Not that any divorce is particularly good, but the acrimonious, contentious divorce is a special case requiring special measures, kind of like x-ray vision. And I’m here to talk about those measures.

The most important thing. Never, ever fantasize to sexual images, content, audio or anything else sexual involving your ex. No one told me this. I’ve never read it anywhere. Or perhaps I have but just don’t recall. Maybe it’s not THE most important thing, but it’s valuable. It helps one’s ability to look at the other, or through the other, in a non-sexual way, usually a good thing.

Right up there. Never ever let him/her see you looking like crap. Sometimes of course, it’s unavoidable. You run out for a carton of milk with torn, baggy sweats and stringy hair, and there s/he is. I don’t think you have to go crazy with this, never leaving the house without looking like perfection. But it’s something to keep in mind. As an electrolysis tech one shared, never let him see you looking bad. I wondered if she meant hairy. But you decide on what “bad” means for you. It’s not about what they think of how you look, who cares? It’s about how you’ll feel.

Nix ex. At some point you have to stop thinking of him, or her, as your ex. The exness of it looms. It’s all there is. It sucks the life out of you and dominates any room you enter. Give the ex a name. No, not that kind of name. Their actual name: Sue, Dave, George, Maria. It’s deflating, minimizing, it only takes up a small corner of the room or your mind. You are no longer dominated by them. You’re back in control. You can really look right at or through someone who’s a mere person, not an ex.

Something to consider. Be nice. Anger also sucks the life out of you. You have to ask yourself what’s the gain? Is it going to change anything? Will Sue or Maria change as a result? How is the anger affecting you? Your kids? Your friends? This is the point at which you no longer have to say everything you think out loud. Keep it simple. As we say in the south, kill them with kindness. Not literally of course. It’s a lot easier to look someone in the eye when you’re calm.

And finally. Speaking of friends, tell them to stop bashing Dave. It’s not helping your anger management attempts. After the initial validation of everything you think, for which bashing is essential, it no longer serves a purpose. Your best friend has a legitimate right to their own anger. After all, they had a relationship with Dave too. But you have to set limits at some point. That includes parents, sibs and other loved ones. If you’re working on managing your anger, their anger fueling the fire isn’t going to help. Facing Dave evenly is more likely when everyone else is even too.

You’re thinking of me, the same old way

You were above me, but not today.

-I’m Looking Through You. The Beatles

And how about Pat Benatar’s Don’t let it Show for a little extra inspiration.

Post-Divorce Creativity

2010-01-29T08:49:00.046-05:00

So you’re going post-divorce unconventional. Now you have to figure out what, exactly, you’re going to do next. At this point, creativity is a useful construct. Csikszentmihalyi, in his book on the cr eative process, talks about these five tasks:

Preparation. Here one is consumed with a problem that is at once interesting and exciting. Clearly, the recovery from the loss of one’s marriage and former way of life is likely to consume us. Finding the interesting, exciting aspects is often a bit of a challenge. But really, if your own life’s progression isn’t interesting and exciting, what is? Equally clear to most is the fact that we cannot continue with our former plans and strategies in this new situation. There’s a conflict between what we’ve been doing and what must be done now. So herein lies the interesting, complex and exciting opportunity.

Incubation. This is the time where ideas are growing and changing and morphing into something you actually want to consider acting on at some point. Key here, for the divorce process, is the notion of at some point. People are always asking me how long things will take, whether it’s recovery from divorce, loss of a loved one, no longer feeling an urge to overeat after a successful diet, no longer wishing to smoke after quitting, etc. While I’d love to be able to consult my crystal ball, I’ve apparently misplaced it. Change takes a while to incubate. Just like the chick in the egg, it’ll come out when it’s ready.

Insight. Ah ha. Things come together and it all makes sense. This (fill in the blank) is what I want to do next!

Evaluation. Despite one’s initial ah ha, sometimes, after sitting a bit with the insight, we realize it’s not all that fantastic after all. It’s not necessarily back to the drawing board, but perhaps a tweak or reconsideration of another idea that had been incubating alongside this one might be useful. Not all chicks are created equal.

Elaboration. So you want to be a life coach (one of my post-divorce enterprises), great! How’s that gonna work along with everything else going on? Can I afford the time and money? Will it be worthwhile in the end? What’s it going to take? These are all questions worth considering, as is the case with most new enterprises. The elaboration period involves determining if the insight which you’ve just evaluated to be worth pursuing is really something you think you can see to fruition. Let me emphasize think you can. Anything new is going to have its risks and benefits.

If change was a no-brainer that would be easy. But you’ll have to do some serious thinking, considering, weighing options and then take a risk or two. And once your chick is hatched, you’ll have to let it venture out into the world.

Post Divorce Unconventional

2010-01-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

I love red shoes, purses, backpacks and the like. I also love stories of unconventional people. Life Uncharted, Jan/Feb 2010 Psychology Today (sorry, not on line yet) gives a little info about seven unconventional people. Several have moved out of the country, most have never worked for anyone else, some are married, a few are single, one is a single mom. The thing that they share is their desire to map out and control their own destinies, often in ways that others might find odd or scary.

Divorce is a perfect opportunity to get unconventional. This is your chance to do what you want, not what someone else wants, or what others want you to do. After all, we have unconventional work days and work arrangements, unconventional medicine, unconventional leaders, and unconventional careers, among other things.

One of the things the divorced often report is how great it is to be you own boss and not have to answer to anyone else. If I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t. If I want to spend the weekend reading, playing the piano and watching movies, I can. If I want to take a trip someplace, I go. It’s all up to me.

I know this can be a bit daunting at first, but think about it. To be the proverbial master of your universe. How freakin’ cool is that?

Don’t get me wrong, I love relationships. I just don’t love relationships that are controlling. Let’s face it, most marriages involve a lot of control. It may be mutual, but control it is. It’s difficult to be in a relationship where both individuals are completely independent. It’s almost an oxymoron. But what a great concept. It's definitely something to look for.

If you were going to do everything you wanted to do in the next week, what would that look like? How would you describe it: fun, relaxing, exciting? How would it be different from what you usually choose for yourself? Can you do that, or come close to it in your current relationship? This is your chance: consider those new red shoes.
Music to go unconventional with: Live your life. TI & Rhianna

Check out the Living Single blog and Used-Car-Driving, Non-Property-Owning, Unmarried Man Somehow Happy; Experts Baffled

Music Therapy: Changeup the Playlist

2010-01-02T18:25:00.000-05:00

I was delighted to hear Jimmy Rollins of the Philadelphia Phillies say that the Phillies came back strong in their 5th world series game because they changed the music on their playlist. Forget that they ultimately lost the thing, but they did bring in a great performance once they stopped listening to Empire State of Mind and watching Jay-Z.

In addition to replacing some of my Beatles CDs, which went the way of some of my other stuff, there was a frightening group of CDs I thought I had to have shortly after the separation. Lucinda Williams’ Essence, Annie Lennox’s Bare and Steely Dan’s Everything Must Go, among others. In case you’re not familiar, they’re all break up CDs. I’m not even sure I knew that when I bought them. Knowing is relative. Obviously, I knew on some level. And then there was Warren Zevon’s The Wind. Does final album after which he died mean anything to you?

I wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one experiencing pain. Naturally, in my line of work, I’m quite familiar with pain. I needed to know that others experienced the same specific type of pain I was experiencing. That shared pain was important.

It told me my experience was universal. Despite knowing I was not the only person in the history of the universe who had this type of pain, sometimes I felt like I was. The CDs told me otherwise. I was not alone. As studies have shown, misery not only loves company, it loves miserable company. We humans love to share.

And what’s better than knowing that some uber-successful, sexy thing has been as unceremoniously dissed as we have been? It doesn’t get much better than that.

So wallow with friends, real or imagined. But at some point, and you’ll know when that is, it’s time to move on. Coaches are great for giving you that little kick in the pants if you need it, and helping you find new directions. If you know it’s time and you can’t move on, it’s time for a shrink. Face it, we all need help sometimes. It’s New Year’s and maybe it’s time for you to change up that playlist.

Top of the breakup playlist: For No One, The Beatles

Best current changeup song: Jessie James, I Look So Good (Without You)

Divorced During the Holidays

2009-11-26T12:14:00.001-05:00

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin’ how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along…

Okay. This basically sucks at the beginning. You haven’t figured out what to do when the holidays are not as before. Generally speaking, we don’t like change and this is a whopping one.

You have the kids, you don’t have the kids, you have the kids but not the ex who you miss, you have the kids but not your ex-sister-in-law who you loved like a sister. The list goes on and on. You cook but now there’s no one to appreciate it. He cooked and now the food is like a Cracker Barrel Thanksgiving, no offense intended for those who love said meal.
What to do?

Do what you do to de-stress. Run, yogacize, read a trashy novel, do crossword puzzles, listen to music (the up kind).
Create new rituals. Go out instead of cooking. Cook instead of going to the in-laws (now ex of course). Go away instead of staying home. Stay home instead of going away. You get the idea.
Look good. No look great! It helps.
Accept the new. Just try. There’s no turning back now. It is what it is. The papers are signed, the moves have taken place. This is your life. Make it a great one.

Remember why you made the choices you made. You decided to do it this way for good reasons. What were those reasons? OR, stuck with a change you didn’t want? Embrace it. It was probably meant to be anyway, wasn’t it?

And you can always try Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive.

Divorced? Wake up and smell the coffee

2009-08-31T21:56:00.000-04:00

Launching a new blog is like…well, it’s unlike anything else in my experience. It may be a bit like starting a new research or writing project. You have an idea, but it’s time to make the commitment and get going. So I had the idea for this blog, but how to begin? Gratitude, rage, resilience, hurt, bounce-back, disappointment? And it finally came to me.

There are three books that have been sitting on my “to-read” shelf for about six years. It’s about the length of time I’ve been separated/divorced. One is by Maxine Kumin called Inside the Halo and Beyond. The Anatomy of a Recovery. It’s about her recovery from a spinal cord injury. Another is John Bayley’s Elegy for Iris, written about his wife, Iris Murdoch, and her devastating decline with Alzheimer’s disease. The last, Still Me, is Christopher Reeve’s autobiography; need I say more on that one?

What might we conclude? Perhaps that I was damn depressed when I heard or read about these, thought they were interesting enough to read, and purchased them. Thankfully, I knew better than to actually attempt to read them at the time. I also knew better than to read The First Wives’ Club, which a friend “kindly” sent me, even though I wasn’t a first wife. I guess she figured that, as many years as I’d been married, I was close enough.

The point is that divorce is often like a death, terrible illness or injury. It’s feels tragic. There’s doubt about our own capacity to recover. There’s a question as to whether to wallow, wallop or wake up (as in smell the coffee). I’m here to tell you that I could read all these books now with equanimity, as a coach, divorced person and psychologist, trying to learn about survivors. Of which I am one myself. You can be one too.

For a little inspiration, try Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love